I don’t know if my need was triggered by the exhaustion and recovery or by the upheaval and life disruption that a move of houses creates. Didn’t matter. All I knew was that a deeper part of me called for my attention.
In years past, I would’ve pushed this part of me away. No time for shenanigans. No space to acknowledge my desires — there were things to do! people to take care of! And I would’ve sunk into a depression lasting days or weeks. I remember how it was.
Now I do things differently.
We feel pain when we resist our truth. So simple, yet not easy, to stop resisting. We are conditioned to resist, we are rewarded for resisting. Our inner truths often seem horrible at first, while we still resist them. Only when accepted do they become beautiful. Here’s what I did that moved me through my pain:
1. Recognize that everything changes.
We never stay in one state long. Joy is fleeting, as is sadness. The world turns, the tides go in and out, we breathe, our hearts beat. Nothing stays motionless. Same thing with life conditions — they always change. The trick is to influence the change when it comes.
2. Remember I have the power to create change in my life.
I used to feel like a victim, powerless to change my situation. I let other people and things dictate my circumstances. I was just a player, a pawn, while life moved around me. How easy! How convenient! That way I got to resent the hell out of other people — especially people who claimed their power — and never take responsibility for my life.
Cancer changed that. Face death and you decide you’re going to live the hell out of life.
3. Give myself space and time.
No rush to change. Sure, I was in pain and the pain felt uncomfortable. But resisting it wouldn’t make it go away. Why not get curious, sit with it, make friends with it, and see what it had to say?
4. Write that shit down.
The last thing I want to do when I’m in a state of imminent implosion is journal, so that’s exactly what I made myself do. And I found out some interesting stuff.
5. List what I want.
Turns out I felt a deep missing in my life. Why’d it show up now? I still don’t know. But I made my list. I want my life to feel a certain way so I made a list of everything I knew would give me the feeling I seek:
intimate sacred connection
beauty saying what I want
6. Honor my emotions with music.
One thing I’d been missing was music. Kahuna and I share so much in common but we don’t share the same taste in music. Sure, we overlap but there’s a huge space in my side of our Venn diagram of music that’s been unlistened to in years. Years. Time to change that.
So I made me some playlists over on Spotify, my shiny new boyfriend.
7. Move the bod.
Emotions get stuck in our bodies. Moving energy makes a huge difference, so I went to my hot power yoga classes and sweated a little closer to bliss. And then I danced in my bedroom to Airborne Toxic Event and Gnarls Barkley.
8. Honor the wants.
Little Talyaa wanted a gluten free chocolate cupcake. I knew it was totally emotional eating but I didn’t judge myself for wanting a damn cupcake. I just ate it and its twin brother and felt damn good about it.
9. Say what I want.
I let Kahuna see my anger. I told him the things I wanted. And it felt good to stamp my foot as Little Talyaa and just acknowledge her, and love her for her courage in showing up.
10. Make beauty happen.
I respond vicserally to beauty. To me it feels soothing and healing. I feel so much better in beautiful surroundings. We hung my art today. 14 of my paintings now hang in the living room, our personal gallery. I resisted the hell out of the process (Little Talyaa was still running the show in Resistance Mode) but felt better afterward.
How wondrous to sip tea surrounded by your own art. They’re now my Guardians, goddesses who protect and inspire with their strength and beauty.
11. Honor my divine self.
I posted the poem Everything Is Waiting For You by David Whyte. It spoke right to me. I knew what to do, the other piece of what my soul cried for:
Oneness. I hunger for oneness. My need is great. My hunger is deep.
Here’s the poem:
Everything is Waiting for You
Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.
Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.
— David Whyte from Everything is Waiting for You ©2003 Many Rivers Press
How I found Oneness and therefore peace
Connection, especially that deep intimate sacred place where I am god and you are god and I see feel hear taste you for the truth of who you are and what WE are, together, is my religion. It’s my primary desire. It’s the biggest thing I can do in this body on this planet, to recognize the divinity in you and to feel how you and I are one, one body one mind one heart.
So I sat in a soft round black chair and felt its kinship to me, our sameness. And I held my tea mug and let its electrons be mine. I felt the mug spring apart in every direction, a spray of tiny atoms colliding with the atoms spraying outward in every direction from my body, two rainbows of pulsing electrons, now recombining into a mug shape and a Talyaa shape, now distinct but still One.
And I remembered who I am and why I’m here. When I remember my divinity, everything feels possible and I feel my power to create the life I desire. My implosion melts away. From this place, everything feels possible and I see the light ahead. All I have to do is keep walking, keep breathing, keep feeling and I’ll get there.