Hello loves. It’s been awhile again since I’ve updated and that’s mostly because a big and devastating thing happened in our lives this week and I devoted most of my heart and attention to it. Separate post, which I hope you’ll look for when it comes.
I so appreciate that you read my posts. We are all so connected and still we live separate lives. Isn’t that amazing? I feel you. I feel our connection and I feel so much love for you.
Hey, medically I’m rocking things! Had a CT scan this week which showed HARDLY ANY CANCER!! Seriously. The thing that kind of started all this Stage 4 cancer thing over three years ago is now clearly a lymph node and unless they made a mistake, now measures in the millimeters. It was once four centimeters! It’s also fully encapsulated, which means my immune system is rocking at taking care of it. There’s also what may be a small new tumor, plus another little one that’s also smaller than it was, both of which really pisses me off. I was convinced there wouldn’t be any at all.
Hey, anger here is a good thing. It means I definitely want to live. There was a time when I didn’t. I feel some shame saying this, but several years ago I used to go to sleep asking to not wake up. I hated my life then so much, mostly because I felt powerless to change it even though I tried. This was before I met my beloved, but those feelings continued even after. What a journey this has been. Everything has changed.
I’m also working with side effects of my anti seizure meds. I don’t like taking pharmaceuticals and in some ways they are working against all the other hard work we are doing, but for now these are necessary. Our plan is to carefully and gradually reduce the dosage, and there are right now three different meds. Side effects like wobbly walking, difficulty speaking, high energy for several hours with an abrupt drop-off. It’s really interesting to me but not that functional for the real world, and terrifying for my beloved. Every person reacts to these drugs differently and every brain is different. My beloved is brilliant at helping me manage this, and it’s already way better. Even with the meds I feel better now than I have for a year, when Mr. Huge Brain Tumor showed up quite uninvited.
And then there’s the magic. My near-death experience in the ER a couple of weeks ago (on my beloved’s BIRTHDAY) opened up a new world for me. I already was a very good channel and energy healer. I made my living that way until cancer changed our lives suddenly. And this is so much more.
I hear and feel the voices of collective global humanity. I feel our past and future along with the present. I hear and feel THINGS, like towels and plants and cabinet doors, along with the voices of their components and the factory workers who made them and all the people who handled them along the way. I feel this ALL THE TIME. I can choose to feel and hear it or turn it off and be just a person. I experience time differently (it’s all happening NOW, past-present-future is all now for me), which makes me quite unreliable in remembering things as to when they occurred. Some things are clear and some feel like weeks or months ago for me when in reality it’s only days or maybe even just one day.
All of this may be drug side effects or brain weirdness from epilepsy but my inner guidance says nope, it will continue. This is part of my life purpose, my destiny, and I will learn to modulate and work with it. I am destined to use my magical gifts to help the world, side by side with my beloved and his gifts (which are powerful and amazing and you actually don’t yet know how brilliant and heartful and devoted and amazing he is, and I intend to correct that). I’m completely humbled by all this and so thankful to be alive and with my soulmate of ten thousand years and able to share these gifts with the world. I love you.