A year ago today I let a nice man perform surgery on a big tumor in my brain. A year ago today I carried a secret with me into surgery: I hoped to not wake up again, or at least to wake up changed and forever relieved of the emotional pain of a lifetime of self rejection. A year ago today I was too afraid and too tired and too unaccepting of my magnificence and my magic to tell anyone that I hoped to not wake up again. I especially could not tell my beloved this secret for fear it would devastate him, and for fear that by telling him my terrible secret it would maybe come true.
You see, a year ago today I knew-but-didn’t-know, not in my bones and muscles and still-beating heart, that life is a fascinating kaleidoscope of color and magic, and that I am the powerful creator of my experience. A year ago today I didn’t know how alive I could feel.
A year ago today the surgery didn’t actually do what it was supposed to do. It was a laser ablation, basically a stick poked into my brain with a laser at the end like a magical lightsaber for cancer that was supposed to burn away the tumor. It was supposed to work, and we had every reason to think it would work, and the nice man with the lightsaber did All The Right Things to make it work, but it didn’t.
Yesterday my beloved and I went to the beach and sat together in wonderful silence, just feeling and experiencing the waves and the birds and the sky. I felt the earth vibrating under my feet. I felt my body vibrating with life. I felt love for my beloved and for the waves and the birds and the sky and for the earth and all her inhabitants. I felt love for myself.
It’s been a hard, wonderful, terrifying, magical, and healing year. TWO brain surgeries, brain radiation + spine radiation, two tonic-clonic seizures, two trips to the ER including one by ambulance. Two immunotherapy infusions. So many things in twos.
Two hearts, mine and my beloved’s. Two souls, choosing again and again to carry out their mission of service and inspiration through love.
Love is a powerful healing force. You’ve heard of the miracles. Little girls lift whole cars to free their trapped mothers. Babies fall from ten-story windows and land unharmed. People emerge alive after days of entombment beneath heavy layers of earthquake rubble.
And a woman is loved into living from the devotion of her beloved. Miracle, yes? I believe yes. I believe in the power of love.
A year ago today I didn’t yet believe that I was worthy of the magic in this world. I didn’t yet believe I was a good enough person to deserve the love and devotion my beloved offers me in every waking and sleeping moment and with every breath and heartbeat. I didn’t yet believe that magic and love and healing were not all just for other people, but were also for ME.
A year ago today I awoke from surgery, wanting my beloved close. He’s been right here with me the whole time. Magic and miracles and love have all been with me the whole time.
I believe life is a gift. I intend to make the most of mine.
I love you.