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Magical Goddess: A 28-Day Journey to Invoke Your Wild Goddess and Reclaim a Juicy Life
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Hugs and gratitude, Talyaa
It took me weeks to admit it it, but I’m doing way worse than I was. I sleep 11-12 hours a day now. Long, restless nights where I wake up many times. It’s hard to wake up in the morning. I fight it. I hardly leave the house. Going outside feels bewildering — so many things to look at, feel, remember. Everything goes by me so fast. It takes so much energy to take it all in, to process and label things like “stairs” and “walking” and “trees” and “sky” and “people” and...read more
February 3. Very early in the morning. I’m happy to finally have my next steps. Last week we saw a rockstar neurosurgeon guy in LA, the day after my soulmate husband went on a get-things-done rampage of awesomeness and magically extracted phone numbers of area neurosurgeons who do laser probe brain surgery. They do exist! A very small handful, but still. Yay! And my beloved snagged a next-day slot with the rockstar guy, who seemed very good and very capable. (I don’t remember much from the appointment since I had to get up very...read more
My beloved says that my world is getting smaller. That I’m disengaging with life. That I appear to be less alive, less vital. Hmmm. Do you know the TARDIS? It’s a space-and-time machine cleverly shaped like an old-fashioned blue British police box, one of the primary enduring non-human characters on the sci-fi TV show Doctor Who. There’s a running joke: people who’ve never seen a TARDIS get inside it and are floored by how vast it is inside (so vast that we only ever see a fraction of it). They say, eyes big and mouths...read more
Hello loves. I want to shed light on why I haven’t had surgery yet. It’s kind of a crazy story. If only my life wasn’t on the line, this might be funnier! I’ll start back toward the beginning… In October my head hurt. Suddenly and a lot. We had to see doctors and get a brain MRI, but guess what? My insurance, which we hadn’t yet changed over from the state of Washington for a variety of reasons, wasn’t accepted. No one would see me except in the ER unless I had California insurance, even though I had...read more
Imagine that three months ago you got a sudden, constant, demanding headache -- right at the time you'd convinced yourself that life was about to get a whole lot better. Imagine then that within a week you knew that cancer had returned to where it had metastasized to your brain, and within two weeks you were pretty sure you were facing brain surgery. Nearly three months later you still await surgery. This is your new reality.read more
A year ago, standing on the bridge between 2013 and 2014, I did not imagine myself to be where I am now: living in San Diego amid and around juicy community; basking in the inner golden glow of being Talyaa; about to have brain surgery. I did, however, imagine adoring and being adored by my beloved, but 2014 brought it home to me in ways I did not foresee a year ago. Love This year I learned more about love than any year I can remember. My beloved shows me every day what love is. We had some rough times this year. In some ways we took it down...read more
[About two weeks ago I saw a neurosurgeon about my brain tumors. This is what I wrote that day.] Hello chickadees! First things first. Surgery is a definite. Everyone agrees. But what kind? Turns out there are choices. Who knew? A. Old-fashioned craniotomy. A huge-ass incision (5-6 inches) across the front part of the top of my head after shaving my hair. Removing parts of my skull, including my left eyebrow bone, to expose the brain and cut the tumor out. Risk of infection. Risk of injury to the speech areas of my brain. Several days...read more
[In one week I had four appointments with four different doctors about my brain tumors. I'm almost a celebrity! This is what I wrote early last week.] Today’s doctor was a highly regarded oncologist, I think a melanoma specialist. He seemed both a pragmatist and a skeptic, which for my purposes means he’s constantly looking at things from the lens of what will work, versus “what we’ve always done” or “I don’t have anything useful to offer you, so here’s some chemo – now please leave...read more
Dear Nineteen, A year ago I wrote you a public letter containing all the things I could think of that an 18 year old man would need to know to get a good start in adult life. I thought of you then as a boy becoming a man. I imagined myself the wise elder, dispensing sage advice. That makes me laugh now. I don’t know when for sure that it happened, this shift in how I see you. Maybe it was in August when you visited and we were together for the first time in two years and you stood as a man among men and claimed your warrior self. But no,...read more
Six weeks ago there was a badass biggish tumor and a wee little one. Now, not only did the two tumors NOT reduce in size, but the biggish one is more defined than six weeks ago. And they are joined by a third tumor that just popped up — also pretty big — since six weeks ago. Tumor party!read more
Hello my lovelies, I’m on my way this week to the hospital for a brain MRI. Today is Day Twelve of a massive headache that won’t go away no matter what pain medicine I throw at it, and this is a very bad sign for someone who’s had brain tumors. Couple the headache with other signs I’m experiencing and there is, ahem, strong concern — one level below freak-out mode. This was probably preventable. My Kahuna and I know what to do and how to do it to get through cancer. I’ve been more successful than more than 99%...read more
What happens when we resist our Truth? The past several weeks I’ve been in a deep soul process. Well, to be more exact, I’ve been resisting a call to a deep soul process. Resisting, for me in this case, looks and feels a lot like depression. Very little felt good except the things I know always feel good to me: movement/dance and connection/community. I stopped painting. This was a mistake. By stopping painting I denied an essential part of myself, like cutting off an arm. Or my heart. I can get along without an arm but I need my...read more