I fucking have cancer. I have fucking cancer. Fuck, I have cancer. Fuck cancer. Love cancer so much that it becomes powerless. I win.
This is the story of me and my soulmate and how we truly — for the first time in our lives — step into our Magic, harness our superpowers, become our true selves, banish our fears, and really live. You watch. This is going to happen. It’s either Become Awesome or die, so why hold back?
Thought it was appendicitis. Nope, cancer. Blame Google? Denial?
I went to the ER thinking I had appendicitis. I had pain. Was incredibly tired. Couldn’t eat. When this went on for more than two days, Soulmate showed how worried he was. He felt an intuition about me and it wasn’t good. I Googled appendicitis. I fit the symptoms, or mostly. I battled fears of money (no insurance) and being dismissed by arrogant doctors. I decided the trust the soulmate. We went to the ER when I could barely walk, I was so weak. Something was going on and it wasn’t good.
It took hours, but that night one of the ER doctors sat next to us with a look of worried concern on his face. I don’t remember what he said except for the words like 4 centimeter mass, and cancer, and oncologist, and melanoma. We’ll need to scan your lungs and your brain.
I knew what this meant. The spot on my foot I had two years ago that grew and grew and eventually grew so much and looked so ugly that it couldn’t be anything else but cancer so they cut me down to the bone and I healed and changed and transformed? Well, that spot wasn’t finished with me. Some of it snuck past the lymph nodes they looked at back then and settled in two warm cozy spots between my right ovary and my right hip bone.
You understand, when cancer comes back two years later and when it pops up far from its orginal source, it’s very, very bad. Metastacized. And when the cancer is melanoma that has metasticized, they haven’t much known what to do with it. Nothing much works to make it go away. Most people with this kind of cancer die within months of finding out about it, or at the outside a couple of years.
My soulmate had a dark night of the soul that first night I was in the hospital. I could barely stay awake and he was at home, pacing and crying, imagining never seeing me again. It must have been horrible.
The next night we pledged to one another in a most intimate rite: we made wills and named one another as the one to stay behind and grieve if one of us dies before the 40-50 years we have all but promised to spend together. Two friends witnessed our papers the next day, just before my biopsy, and a hospital notary officiated the little almost-ceremony. I told soulmate afterward that it felt like we got married. And I feel married to him, so close, so together in a way I have never felt with anyone.
If not now, when?
This man, my soulmate, is amazing. He took his fear and grief and channeled it. He is a warrior, my soulmate. And together we are not fighting cancer but loving it. Together we are doing whatever it takes to become more awesome. This is how I can love you, he says. He inspires me. He has reminded me of our superpowers and he has promised to be at my side, slaying what needs slain, and protecting me so I can activate my magic self. He is my magical alchemist, my wild wizard.
Over the coming weeks we will both be talking about the path of the Cancer Goddess and the Wild Warrior Wizard. Day by day we’ll unveil our superpowers — everything we are doing to activate our most magical, complete and true selves and truly live.
I feel scared and excited. But I have not yet truly lived. I have always held back. I am so done holding back. It is time to grab this incredible beast they call Life by the horns and go on a wild ride. I hope you join me.