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Cancer Goddess Rises, Day 20: Helplessly Hopeless

When I was 9, I read The Hobbit for the first time. You know the chapter called Out of the Frying Pan Into the Fire, where Bilbo and the dwarves have escaped the goblins but Wargs attack them so they quickly climb tall fir trees? And then the goblins show up and set fire to the trees. That’s how I feel right now — I am in a burning tree ringed by hungry giant wolves and nasty goblins. And I doubt any magic eagles are about to rescue me.

I can only hope this is the bottom and that things get better.

The Gerson protocol is a huge commitment. Two years. 6-8 hours a day washing vegetables, chopping vegetables, juicing fruits and vegetables, cooking vegetables, cleaning up, and eating, eating, eating. Not to mention 5 coffee enemas EVERY DAY. It is a full schedule. The upside of doing this is I get to live, if all goes well. No reason it wouldn’t. The downside? There are many. We haven’t even yet begun and there are so many hurdles to cross, and they all seem of my making.

Apparently I have to change. Now. Just like that, I have to drop everything that bothers me about, well, anything. I have to let go of my fears, my desire for control, so many things I have clung to for so long.

And I am so scared there won’t be anyone on the other side.

What if I am nothing but my fears? What if I don’t know how to be the woman who is helplessly imprisoned inside them?

I don’t feel like anything close to a goddess today.

Escaping the frying pan — cancer — means I have to go through fire. I read over and over that successful cancer patients — the ones who live — want to live, unconditionally. I have conditions. I want to be free from emotional pain. I want there to be fun. I want to finally have the really awesome life I never had because I was too busy making stupid choices. And I am afraid I can’t pull it off. That I can’t face the fire. That I won’t change, or won’t do it fast enough, and all this life business will have been an enormous waste.

And I have to face all this right now. Last night I ordered $300 of supplements. Some will last one month, others two. But in 3 weeks I’ll have to order again. We need a second refrigerator to hold all the produce. I am told by Mr. Organizational Wizard that our entire kitchen has to change completely to accommodate all that we need to put in it and have at hand. All these preparations are being made, and they will come to a screeching halt if I don’t change immediately.

And every day that goes by is a day that goes by.

 

9 Comments

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  1. Ron V

    Much gratitude for your sharing this with us. That is a gift.

    That CHANGE thing is the hardest part, but also the most powerful part. We know that you are MUCH more than your fears. In fact, when the fears peel away, what’s left is Agape. We all arrive there – the choices determine when and how. But yeah, Personality really fears loss of any of its story pieces – to it, that is death. And surely your experience of the need for this is so much more focused and intense than most of us have ever felt.

    Sometimes, the space of “nothing to lose” can be an amazing enabler. And sometime, limited spaces can be more accessible. Just for today, I am in a new place, or just for an hour. No one can tell you how to do this, least of all me. But if you choose, just lie back in the loving arms of the Essence that carried you here now, and always, and let them wrap around you. You don’t even have to know how….

  2. Jordan B.

    Life’s a gamble. Roll the dice.

  3. Leesa

    “And I am so scared there won’t be anyone on the other side.
    What if I am nothing but my fears? What if I don’t know how to be the woman who is helplessly imprisoned inside them?
    I don’t feel like anything close to a goddess today.”

    These words pierce my heart and I ache for you with such a depth that I know without a shadow of a doubt, you are my kindred.

    Though I have no words to embrace you with… no magick spell to shatter your fears, my heart and soul reach out to you. Were I to transform this instant into the Great Mother, I would gather you in my arms, hold you close to my breast and rock you gently, all the while whispering “You are safe, my darling. You are loved, my sweet. You are precious beyond words and your tears shall set you free.”

    Because I know that were you to leave this realm today, you would never be left alone, afraid and wandering a vast emptiness, but instead, would be encircled instantly in the purest love – and welcomed home.

    Though you feel so all alone in your journey, dear sistar, you are not. You are accompanied by many who wish only to heal, comfort and adore you.

    With love and infinite blessings,
    Leesa

  4. Petra Lange

    Dear Talyaa…thank u for sharing ur story. Hard to say I m feeling with u, cause I dont know how it is to be in this special situation, hard to comment, cause everyone has his own path.
    U said urself that u are in this amazing place, where nothing is possible or all is possible, a place that forces u to let go of control and surrender.
    For me it feels like this Gerson project is another way of trying to be in control ( ur words: its a full schedule), think abt it…ur projecting everything again to the outside, and I m not saying that this is not ur path.
    I wish u all the best with it and send u lots of love!
    Petra

  5. Shawn Jezerinac

    Funny I just found this. I think it may be of value. I like the content despite the presentation.
    http://www.creativitypost.com/psychology/the_biological_advantage_of_being_awestruck#.UDChKzdij_E.facebook
    Love,
    Shawn

  6. Diane Ho Buxton

    Talyaa, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. This really sucks. Having to change while under the gun sucks too. I won’t bore you with pretty words, since I’m sure you’ve heard them all. I’ll send you some money instead.

    Btw, Tex has his own cancer story that he could share if you want to hear it.

  7. Shawn Jezerinac

    Dear Talyaa,
    The eagle has found you. It saw you before you could see it. See it in the words you just wrote. It may take some time before you can digest it all. It swooped down on you when you were distracted. It may be too close.

    I am healed in a moment. My whole life is for this one moment and I could get here no other way than the circuitous undulating path I have taken. Nothing I have done is wasted. The evidence of my perfect self is right here.

    One thing that is certain is that there will be change. Being present with the change in me means seeing the change in me what ever it is. I must be the change I want to see. When I have done that I see the vehicle, the eagle. I am the change.

    The outcome isn’t always my choosing, but being present in my whole life, this precious moment, what it all comes down to right now. My journey can end at any moment. It’s the moments, the journey, where I find perfection. No matter how messy, they are my moments. Without them they would not make up my path, my lessons, and would not have shaped me but someone else.

    For the first time in my life I feel that this life is a stepping stone for my consciousness. It feels very much like diving into water. One moment I consciously breathe this life fully engaged, the next I am hurled, or I hurl myself into what is next, perfect in every moment of change.

    Why has something you have written become all about me. Because it is all about me. Just as everything is all for you.
    Love,
    Shawn

  8. Marion

    I wish you courage and send you love.

  9. CatB

    Dear WildGoddessRising: Ahh. I switched locations from Phoenix to StormCenterIsaac because my brother had surgery a few days ago & I wanted to be here to *do* things. Since I don
    t allow social media on my mobile devices, I have had limited access to your posts and I have missed them. I wanted you to know that you continue to be on my heart & mind.

    Tonight I am on top of my task list & Brudder has excused himself earlier than usual AND the Internet connection is currently performing nominally, so I am catching up with you online. It is good, like biting into a juicy apricot: messy and tangy and sweet and perfect.

    I remember the first words in that fateful phone call many long years ago: “your test results are negative. when can you come in? the doctor would like to discuss them with you.” What? What are you talking about? Are you sure? Can we redo the test? I remember the way the old wooden floor under the office carpet rolled like the slippery back of the sea monster I suddenly found myself dancing upon. I remember the bloodless professional tones of the stranger/practitioner who delivered the news & the next steps. I remember the icy, numbing wave of cold terror that rolled through my soul as I parked my car in the driveway I shared with a woman whose husband had abandoned her in the midst of college tuition. I knew then that I really do have a soul, and that in the human dimension, I was pretty much alone.

    I threw myself on the mercy of God & flew south to the doctor I had known & loved since my high school days for a trustworthy second opinion. His glad welcome and his booming voice which well-suited his enormous yet gentle hugs were probably more valuable than his findings. “This is real, baby girl. I don’t care whether you do your treatment here or up north, but you get it done. Now”

    The disorientation and the fear will subside as you develop and enact your protocol, Talyaa. Let him carry you for a while if that is the way through. But listen to your body and your soul. Do what is needful and then rest. When I’m coming over, we’ll talk about the way of the eagles. It has been a glorious season in EagleNation and there is so much we can learn from these elegant ambassadors about the glories of instinct. And timing. Doing. And resting. Life. And — flight.

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