When I was 9, I read The Hobbit for the first time. You know the chapter called Out of the Frying Pan Into the Fire, where Bilbo and the dwarves have escaped the goblins but Wargs attack them so they quickly climb tall fir trees? And then the goblins show up and set fire to the trees. That’s how I feel right now — I am in a burning tree ringed by hungry giant wolves and nasty goblins. And I doubt any magic eagles are about to rescue me.
I can only hope this is the bottom and that things get better.
The Gerson protocol is a huge commitment. Two years. 6-8 hours a day washing vegetables, chopping vegetables, juicing fruits and vegetables, cooking vegetables, cleaning up, and eating, eating, eating. Not to mention 5 coffee enemas EVERY DAY. It is a full schedule. The upside of doing this is I get to live, if all goes well. No reason it wouldn’t. The downside? There are many. We haven’t even yet begun and there are so many hurdles to cross, and they all seem of my making.
Apparently I have to change. Now. Just like that, I have to drop everything that bothers me about, well, anything. I have to let go of my fears, my desire for control, so many things I have clung to for so long.
And I am so scared there won’t be anyone on the other side.
What if I am nothing but my fears? What if I don’t know how to be the woman who is helplessly imprisoned inside them?
I don’t feel like anything close to a goddess today.
Escaping the frying pan — cancer — means I have to go through fire. I read over and over that successful cancer patients — the ones who live — want to live, unconditionally. I have conditions. I want to be free from emotional pain. I want there to be fun. I want to finally have the really awesome life I never had because I was too busy making stupid choices. And I am afraid I can’t pull it off. That I can’t face the fire. That I won’t change, or won’t do it fast enough, and all this life business will have been an enormous waste.
And I have to face all this right now. Last night I ordered $300 of supplements. Some will last one month, others two. But in 3 weeks I’ll have to order again. We need a second refrigerator to hold all the produce. I am told by Mr. Organizational Wizard that our entire kitchen has to change completely to accommodate all that we need to put in it and have at hand. All these preparations are being made, and they will come to a screeching halt if I don’t change immediately.
And every day that goes by is a day that goes by.