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Cancer Goddess Rises, Day 4: Deserving

Just now I caught myself composing a Facebook status in my head. I do this a lot. Few of them make it to print, but I make them up all the time. It’s a lot like how Soulmate and I will be talking about something and then stop and say to each other, “That’s a blog post!”

My faux Facebook status was.

Today I am grateful for my Soulmate, my Wild Warrior Wizard, who is showing up and living his Great Story with me even though it is really, really hard, like today.

Showing up

I composed that in my head and then got to thinking about how I need to show up, too. Soulmate has told me this week all the ways I need to show up but most of them, frankly, aren’t that much fun. To my Soulmate, me showing up is things like remembering to pay bills on time, having a time management system that works (this is what I get for being with a Time Lord slash Life Coach Time Management Wizard, really, you should hire him and you’d find out that you actually do have time for all the stuff you think you don’t have time for), and not letting things slip through the cracks. Apparently I am a champion crack-slip-through-letter, and this just turns my beloved into an anger ball. As he puts it, I am getting in the way of him helping me. It’s true. I am.

My idea of showing up looks a lot more like rainbow unicorn fairy dust with glittery sprinkles. Unicorns do not pay bills on time and they hate making phone calls. Do you see the problem here?

Hold that thought a minute while I tell you about my friend who said I don’t deserve this cancer. Deserve? Reading that made me think. What do we deserve? Who decides? At the time I thought it was kind of silly, I mean, NO ONE deserves cancer, not even the people you’d wish really bad things on because they were very mean to you. At least, I don’t believe they do.

So what do I deserve?

I deserve to show up

I think that showing up, for me, is going to look a lot like claiming what I think I deserve.

I deserve this Golden Man who stands by my side, lance at the ready to slay whatever is in the way of us living our Great Story together.

I deserve the time to live the way I want to, instead of running from what I want, not claiming what I want, or otherwise living someone else’s life.

I deserve to laugh.

I deserve to love.

I think that about covers it.

4 Comments

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  1. isabella mori

    i don’t know if i ever get this deserving thing. in the meantime i’ll go with decision πŸ™‚

    and … i don’ t know … it takes all kinds, doesn’t it? would you be the awesome writer you are if you always paid your bills on time? this is really just a question, not a challenge. it’s something i’ve been wondering about for a long time.

    and regardless whether we call it deserving, deciding or whatchmacalling – i just simply want for you to have those things: showing up, your golden man, living the way you want, laughing, loving.

  2. mark

    yeah. laugh and love. you do deserve. we all do. that’s the bar set to minimum. it’s good to have certain perceptive / perceptual anchors… damn straight. ensuing complications – many, no doubt – not withstanding.

  3. Susan

    You TOTALLY deserve all of that and SO MUCH MORE!

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