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Cancer Goddess Rises, Days 18-19: Married to a Martinet

No, Soulmate and I did not get married over the weekend or anything. Don’t get so excited there. (But Mr. & Mrs. Splashy ARE married) Mostly I was after the alliteration in the title there. Clever, clever.

Martinet: a strict disciplinarian.

I don’t know why things have to be so hard. My Kahuna thinks I am not taking any of this (this = the cancer thing; healing the cancer thing; the fact that I could be dying) seriously. Perhaps I am not. Soon I will write  a whole other post about my thoughts on death, death wishes, and what cancer means. But right now I have this martinet who is all … martinety.

Yes, that is him in the picture.

Last night we agreed that today we would sit down and order the zillions of supplements we need in order to to follow the massive and amazing healing regimen we are about to embark upon. The whole supplement thing is confusing. Bottles of 1000 caps, 100 caps, 2 fluid ounces, how long will they last? Let’s do the math. So I did the math. But because Mr. Martinet thinks I am falling down on the job a lot lately — which may be a little true, what with being so freaking tired all the time and also being on pain meds from time to time — and says he doesn’t trust me to do [just about anything] the ordering of the supplements and Not Fuck It Up.

And this bothers me.

Disclaimer. I am ranting a little here.

It bothers me that my soulmate doesn’t think I can manage things. I like to be good at everything. I know it is unreasonable to expect to be good at everything, but there you go. I am unreasonable.

It bothers me also because in order to sit down with him, first we are going to have to have a “talk.” And “talk” means me listening to the man who loves me tell me all the different ways he is angry with me or thinks I suck. And my inner response is, Is this how I want to live my life? 

Kahuna is a man who greatly values truth. You can see it all over his writing. Go on, look. It’s there. He is ruthless with himself and is ruthless with others.

Ruthless hurts me right now. Right now I want gentle loving, petting, caressing, and smiles. I will not get that tonight unless I listen to things that I won’t like.

I completely understand that this is all about me. It is always about me. Same goes for you, you know. When you have a problem with someone else’s behavior, it’s time to look at yourself and see if either you exhibit that same behavior (and don’t like it in yourself and so resist it) or whether you did anything that precipitated that other behavior, because you probably did. At least, that is what I find for myself. We are all mirrors for one another.

Of course right now I am all, Fuck the mirror.

This is what I wanted.  I wanted to sit next to my Kahuna and go at this like an awesome team. I wanted to feel supported and contributing. Both of those. I wanted to go forth into courageous weed-dueling battle together, my partner at my side. And it is not feeling like that now. I suspect he feels he is pulling me along. Me, I feel more pushed than pulled. And I don’t like it and my big fear is that it is not ever going to get any better, and then what? Then what? Just what have I created here?

I think my soulmate is being martinety because he is afraid of losing me, afraid I am not taking this seriously enough, and afraid that nothing he will do will be enough. That would be enough to make anyone into Mr. Surly. I might be the same if the tables were turned and I was looking at the face of my beloved every day wondering how many more days I would have with him.

So then I start to second guess myself. Why should I be so concerned if my soulmate thinks I suck at something? Why should this bother me so much?  I know it shouldn’t. We are all not good at everything (except me. I am. I am good at everything). We all suck at something. Why can’t I just let him help me? Why do I care how he talks at me? Why am I so upset and hurt when the man who loves me barks and becomes Mr. Surly? Why can’t I just freaking GET OVER IT?

And where, oh where, is my magic switch to get over everything that is in my way?

3 Comments

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  1. Jessica

    This feels as though I wrote it. You took the thought right out of my head, but made them more organized and eloquent. Rant, rant away! No matter what is left there will always be people that love you right there next to you(and sometimes pulling you, gently, forward!)

  2. Jordan B.

    Control what you can control and leave the rest up to God.

  3. Shawn Jezerinac

    Thanks for the mirror.
    Love,
    Shawn

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