Oracle ✥ Artist ✥ Author ✥ Time Traveler

Cancer Goddess Rises, Days 37-40: Dear Chang

There have been some really hard days here. Ghosts from my past zoom into my head and make me say and do things that later I wonder who in their right mind does that? Yelling angrily down the stairs at my soulmate. Deliberately sabotaging my Gerson program and blowing off things that I know are good for me. Lying on the bathroom floor, crying, because everything is just too painful to bear.

Life is not supposed to be this.

One of the elements of the Gerson program that I’ve been resisting is castor oil. Not only am I supposed to awaken at 5 am to drink some of this vile stuff, but after drinking it I’m supposed to add it to my coffee (not for drinking, har har) and do an enema with it. They say to stick close to the bathroom after that. I can only imagine. (Is this TMI?) So you can understand, maybe, my ambivalence.

Tonight I did as I promised my soulmate I would and researched castor oil enemas so I can make an informed choice whether to do them or not, instead of make a choice out of fear, inertia, and the Ick Factor. That’s when I found Chang.

Chang has Stage 4 kidney cancer. I have Stage 4 cancer.

Chang did the Gerson therapy. I am doing the Gerson therapy.

Chang blogged about his journey with cancer and with the Gerson treatment. Here I am, blogging my road too.

Chang did his best on his cancer journey for 3 years. Then something made him decide he had done everything he could and now needed to prepare for his death.

Chang is dying. Right now. His friend updates the blog because Chang no longer writes or reads or opens his eyes.

Big breath.

My mind is going a zillion miles a minute with this. I am going to go back and read all of Chang’s blog entries but without reading them I think I already know what they will say. And that scares me.

See, in the back of my mind I wonder if all this trying-to-heal I am doing is going to make a difference to me. I wonder if I can even do it. I wonder if I can get through all the hard stuff that comes up — today was one of the hardest — and take the next step and the next breath and the next and the next. I wonder whether I can make it worth it. I wonder whether I can change enough to make a difference. I wonder if I can really have a good life.

Right now I have serious doubts about all of those things. I feel incredibly alone and small and scared.

I don’t know all of Chang’s journey, or even much about his story. I am going to read every word, though. Why? Because it matters.

And maybe that’s the little piece I find solace in. Rest in. Because it matters. Because I matter. I so want that to be true.

I am going to go read about Chang’s life now. It matters to me. If I read it, his story goes on, you know?

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

7 Comments

Join the conversation and post a comment.

  1. mark

    I’ve been worried – projecting, no question – that you might be feeling ‘incredibly alone, small, and scared’. I believe I would be. And those are among the worst feelings to endure I can imagine. I wish I, or anyone could alleviate that sense. Of course, intellectually it is clear you’ve a huge community of people who want to support and help in anyway they can. Then you’ve your soulmate – how much more could a person be connected? Yet when faced w/ this sort of challenge there no one who can be where you are but you. Somehow that’s part of what this life-stuff is about – the often harsh paradox of being isolated in these bodies when we are also connected to each other and all of the universe. Yet that metaphysical knowledge all too often does little to ameliorate the fear and angst when facing what you’re facing. I wish any of that would make some sort of meaningful difference, but I don’t know it will. I can only suggest you not feel pressured to keep up any sort of appearances. If your scared, you’re scared. If you’re feeling physically horrible, you are. There’s no one who thinks you should feel differently. We all only hope you will feel better in anyway possible. Love /m

  2. Alissa

    Such is the double-edged sword of this internet-driven world we inhabit. It serves to bind us all closer together, but it also robs us of our power to believe solely in our own experiences. Your experience is yours alone (and by that I don’t mean you have to spend it alone!), don’t let your spirit and strength falter in the face of someone else’s experience. And you’re absolutely right–words matter, stories live on and on and on.

  3. Barbara Taylor

    Talyaa,
    One thing that keeps coming to me recently in many different ways is how much we affect other people, often without us knowing. A word here, an kind gesture there, a smile, a story, a picture, whatever, and the world is changed becuase we are doing what we do.

    No matter how little it seems we are worth, the world is not the same world without those little daily contributions that we each make – every single day.

    You are an important part of the beautiful tapestry of this physical life – bursting with life and struggling with leaving. You and your story are touching people in ways you cannot even imagine. Know this, trust this. It is the truth.

    Barbara

  4. Shawn Jezerinac

    There is no doubt that we are all teachers for one another. One way or another you will learn something about and from Chang.

    You are not Chang. Beware of projections.

    Shit or get off the pot.
    Love,
    Shawn

  5. Loisa

    Hello Talyaa, I changed my first name, too.. in fact all of how I now choose to be called. But this time having been listening from a little distance, I want to ask you what in fact I need to ask myself: am I able/willing/going to love every cell in my own body? every one of them no matter how damaged? or am I making some of the very cells of my being into what Marshall Rosenberg calls ‘enemy images’? I have been looking at your partner’s blog and I enjoy hearing what I need to hear: about acceptance and what some friends recently called: indifference.. in a way that is different from the usual meaning, my friend meant that he needed to be indifferent to me, my pain, the stuff I am struggling in, grappling with .. and I got it!. When I have had e.g. help that has ‘longed’ for my healing, I have easily sensed that I am not free. I feel the pressure of then longing and my sense of myself seems to disappear. I am too conditioned at present to be able to let myself ‘be’ when that comes into it. I need the – on one level- quality of their indifference, to allow myself too to stop the longing that is in fact pushing something away. I was thinking about cancer cells and how easy it might be to make them into an enemy. Yet they are only cells that lost their way, their true direction. I am wondering if they can be loved into .. guided, somehow, into ‘quietness? They must be so confused as they have lost their guidance and even, I hear, their genetic code to tell them who they are or where to go or what to do. Well, maybe I am talking more about myself than anything else.. I am not certain anything else is possible than to say what one needs to hear oneself. But this it typing in a very pale grey and I cannot read what I am saying so : I am wanting to learn to be still, be still when I can, and all the rest as well. What helped me recently was to start to question where the idea came from that being alive was better than dying. Then I realised I was attaching myself to the idea that being alive was somehow ‘better’ I was basically setting myself up. It didn’t last very long but when I realised it didn’t *matter* either way.. I felt a lot more freedom than I am used to. It wasn’t about ‘going awol’ or even going passive. I just somehow realised that by making life opposed to death in that particular way, I was losing a freedom that I really need. Of course that sense rather vanished the next moment because I became caught in fear again. But it feels good to remember it now and I am grateful to you for giving me this chance to think about it and write about it. I trust you will tell me if you want something different from what I write. I havent written to anybody’s blog before! Love, Loisa

  6. Llyn M (Lynn McK)

    I am scared with you. I feel small too. I stand with you, and with you I shall fall. It is the same for all of us, T. You are wonderful. We love you. Never, ever, forget what Essence knows, for the truth belongs to us all.

    Hug-
    Llyn

  7. Jordan

    It’s always darkest before the dawn. Keep the faith.

Talk To Me!