There have been some really hard days here. Ghosts from my past zoom into my head and make me say and do things that later I wonder who in their right mind does that? Yelling angrily down the stairs at my soulmate. Deliberately sabotaging my Gerson program and blowing off things that I know are good for me. Lying on the bathroom floor, crying, because everything is just too painful to bear.
Life is not supposed to be this.
One of the elements of the Gerson program that I’ve been resisting is castor oil. Not only am I supposed to awaken at 5 am to drink some of this vile stuff, but after drinking it I’m supposed to add it to my coffee (not for drinking, har har) and do an enema with it. They say to stick close to the bathroom after that. I can only imagine. (Is this TMI?) So you can understand, maybe, my ambivalence.
Tonight I did as I promised my soulmate I would and researched castor oil enemas so I can make an informed choice whether to do them or not, instead of make a choice out of fear, inertia, and the Ick Factor. That’s when I found Chang.
Chang has Stage 4 kidney cancer. I have Stage 4 cancer.
Chang did the Gerson therapy. I am doing the Gerson therapy.
Chang blogged about his journey with cancer and with the Gerson treatment. Here I am, blogging my road too.
Chang did his best on his cancer journey for 3 years. Then something made him decide he had done everything he could and now needed to prepare for his death.
Chang is dying. Right now. His friend updates the blog because Chang no longer writes or reads or opens his eyes.
My mind is going a zillion miles a minute with this. I am going to go back and read all of Chang’s blog entries but without reading them I think I already know what they will say. And that scares me.
See, in the back of my mind I wonder if all this trying-to-heal I am doing is going to make a difference to me. I wonder if I can even do it. I wonder if I can get through all the hard stuff that comes up — today was one of the hardest — and take the next step and the next breath and the next and the next. I wonder whether I can make it worth it. I wonder whether I can change enough to make a difference. I wonder if I can really have a good life.
Right now I have serious doubts about all of those things. I feel incredibly alone and small and scared.
I don’t know all of Chang’s journey, or even much about his story. I am going to read every word, though. Why? Because it matters.
And maybe that’s the little piece I find solace in. Rest in. Because it matters. Because I matter. I so want that to be true.
I am going to go read about Chang’s life now. It matters to me. If I read it, his story goes on, you know?
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise