One of the side effects after Gamma Knife brain radiation is temporary depression. As if having brain cells nuked wasn’t enough!
Ordinarily I wouldn’t mind so much, since I’d just hunker down and watch Netflix for a week, but this is the week my son, one of my favorite humans in the entire universe, is visiting. He lives in France during the year and I don’t see him much, so I had bundled my expectations and love and connection into this one week — and of course this is the week that I want to do nothing but sleep because in sleep I don’t have to feel and right now feeling feels really really bad.
I wake up to an immediate suffocating blanket of blah. How many hours until I can disappear into the oblivion of sleep again? I want to hide, to collapse in a puddle of sobs, to disappear entirely. Nothing feels any better than “meh”.
And I don’t care.
And I don’t feel.
I know this will shift and change. It’s a temporary storm. The skies will clear and the sun will shine again.
In the darkness is where we find our shadows. So much of our power is in shadows. Carl Jung said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” So I’m turning toward the dark to learn its secrets.