Oracle ✥ Artist ✥ Author ✥ Time Traveler

Emotional Ocean

Ride the wave, baby!

Ride the wave, baby!

My laser brain ablation surgery to take care of a 3-4 cm recurrent metastatic melanoma brain tumor was on February 3, 2015. This post is one of a series of updates that I wrote in the days following, which now I I finally have some energy/motivation to post. Some of you have been kindly inquiring as to my status, which I so appreciate!

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We humans are marvelous magical organisms, capable of enduring endless suffering or ecstatic heights, of giving and receiving love under the most fanciful or mundane of circumstances. I bow to us and what we can do.

These last few months have been an emotional buffet for me. Constant swell and ebb. I cry at the oddest of things, often in an instant.

I don’t mind this. In fact, I like it. Emotions are energy in motion. When I feel, it means I am alive. All this emotion feels like a precious gift to me. I want to pay attention to this. It feels important, a key that helps unlock something even grander, perhaps.

It wasn’t that long ago that I hated my emotions. I felt trapped by them, harnessed into a swirling morass of pain. I knew I was an emotional person yet longed to never feel. I didn’t understand that they are energy, a gift, and that they don’t control me. I hadn’t yet learned their true power. I hadn’t yet learned MY true power.

The other day we watched an episode of Eureka, a sci-fi show about a town of quirky geniuses. Some of the characters were trapped in an elaborate computer program, kind of like the Matrix. For a split second I imagined being one of those people, figuring out I was trapped, but not knowing how to get out and feeling entirely alone, no way to communicate with anyone. Soon I was sobbing inconsolably inside. The thought of being so utterly alone and helpless…

(What happened to that split-second imagined Matrix life? Does it exist somewhere, parallel to us?)

After less than a minute I stepped back into witness mode. How wonderful, I told myself, that I can feel so deeply and so quickly. This is a superpower! I get to feel. I get to be alive.

Every day is filled with moments like that. I ebb and flow all day. And I don’t know what caused it.

Brain tumors? Medications? It’s my life path?

I don’t think I need to know. I embrace the feels now. All of them. Precious pearls. Bursts of pure energy.

What a great gift it is to be human, to learn and grow, to feel. Every day I receive a new piece of the enormous puzzle that is being alive. Every day I revel in new wonders, humbled by this constant onslaught of gifts.

Much love, as always.

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