Six-plus months ago I left the hospital with the word cancer cancer cancer beating a constant refrain in my head. My head had a mind of its own and it started thinking about stuff. A whole lot of stuff. Stuff like how do I write an update about this on Facebook and omg my kids are going to think their mother is dying and shit, I think I’ve had my last glass of wine EVER.
Yeah, well I also made plans-in-my-head for this website. Cancer blog? This ain’t never going to be no cancer blog. Because in-my-head, the whole Cancer Thing was going to Go Away in less than six months. I’d be healed! Magically! Feeling awesome! Dancing tango with my soulmate! Inundated with clients!
I was a bit off the mark.
I still have cancer. A lot of it. (side note: did you know that we come equipped with a cancer-o-meter that looks a lot like a car’s gas gauge? Empty. Full. Or is that just in my head?) I’m not healed. I feel anything but awesome. Tango is still a faraway future memory. And there are no clients: ha! What was I thinking? I can’t work. My head is stuffed with dry leaves, pocket fluff and stray pins. I have the follow-through abilities of a newborn platypus. I suck at work right now. There is no work. Just cancer.
Thus the Cancer Blog is born. Welcome.
This is probably going to be the truest-to-me website I’ve ever had. Wild Goddess Life was about who and what I wanted to be. I didn’t stop to notice the part about not yet truly feeling like a wild goddess. I figured that if I talked about it enough, I’d become it. I feel anything but a wild goddess now. I’ve let it go. Maybe it will come for me out of whatever healing I do with the cancer thing. I’ve made a long list-in-my-head of emotional patterns and life beliefs I want to shift, things that I think got me into Cancerland to begin with. In my head, shifting those things will help me find out more what a wild goddess is.
But right now my job is healing from cancer. So this is a cancer blog. Fine. Hi. Cancer Goddess, reporting for duty.