When you follow the Magic, wonderful things happen
(Our perspectives on the year's experiences -- Talyaa and then Dave. Read both for the full picture!)
We got married this year! Last January 18 we sat on a bench overlooking the beach, surrounded by some of our most beloved friends, and said words of promise and love and devotion to one another in the presence of the ocean, the wind, and the sky. Sacred eternal union in the presence of community and nature; Love made manifest. Our 2015 began that day.
2015 was, to put it mildly, a huge year of miraculous change for me. Near-death & rebirth...made possible by devotion, surrender, Magic, and love.
Giant brain tumor. Two brain surgeries. Radiation. Two tonic clonic seizures (those are the super dramatic ones that sometimes kill people). A cascade of deadly tumors in my spine. Back surgery for my fractured spine. The number of ways I could have died — but didn't — this year seemed almost endless.
I began 2015 longing to die-but-not-die, to glimpse the magical Otherworld with its beckoning Light and all-encompassing Love, and to magically return from that world. Changed. Healed. And shed of all the Not-Me that I thought was my skin for the past fifty years but was actually thick, suffocating armor.
I wanted to claim my life, my real life, the life I contracted for with my eternal beloved and with the Land of Magic and with humanity, but a year ago I didn't know how.
I didn't know how, but that's where Magic took me anyway. I had so much help. Part of the help was choosing to believe that help exists and that I am worthy of it and that it's the asking for help that sets things in motion to receive what is always, always there for us. Life conspires to help us. That was a big thing I learned this year.
I surrendered this year. I surrendered to death and to rebirth. I surrendered to the enormity of allowing another human to open my head and remove something from my brain. I surrendered to thousands upon thousands of healing supplements.
Mostly, though, I surrendered to the enduring everpresent love and incredible deep devotion of my beloved.
This man, this man, has saved my life in so many ways. I would not be alive to write this post if it weren't for his superhuman love and enduring devotion. I would have given up long ago, years ago, if it weren't for him and the spark of possibility he shone at me day after day with his eyes and heart and his determination to do everything he could to help grow the tiny ember of I-want-to-live that dwelled within me.
Imagine what it was like for him: your beloved, your soulmate, on the brink of death. Not just for a day or two — that's intense enough right there — but for months on end. Years. Imagine having to help her walk, having to help her use the bathroom, having to make and serve all her meals and do ALL the cleaning cooking juicing shopping planning researching calling doctors scheduling MRIs and surgeries, and so much more: endless Sisyphusean full days. Plus almost ALL the worrying. Imagine.
I got the magical walk in the Otherworld that I wanted! It happened in the emergency room in September, and it was terrifying for my beloved to witness, but I came back from that magical golden world knowing without a doubt that I came here to this planet in this body at this time to eat life and to serve humanity with my wisdom and Magic alongside my beloved in joyous vibrant aliveness. I chose life. Exit denied.
2016 begins with a clear path to vibrant aliveness, and a vision of our shared purpose. I already feel better now than I have in a long time. My latest MRI, a couple of weeks ago, showed ALMOST NO CANCER and evidence of healing where there was cancer. It's been a long hard road to get here, and there's much yet to do in the road ahead, but every day now I wake up thankful to be alive and to be doing life with my beloved. Thank you for being a part of my world too. I love you.
A SINGULAR YEAR - 2015 was far different from and vastly harder than any previous year: weeks of terror wondering if I would find my beloved alive in the morning; aloneness and isolation in my suffering wondering if I would ever get the help I needed or even see any of my friends again; consulting with more than 25 healthcare professionals for my own debilitating health conditions including over 70 appointments resulting in diagnoses that require seemingly insurmountable efforts (Lyme's Disease, heavy metal poisoning from my 2 metal hip replacements, permanent lifelong bone and spine deformities); losing much time and connection with my beloved where, because of brain tumors, cancer and seizures, she often only had 5 wakeful hours in a day and forgot whole weeks and months of our life together; further loss and isolation when my beloved cat, my dear little companion of fifteen years, headed toward death while I felt helpless to do much because my wife's life was on the line and I dared not take time to do anything heroic for my cat, so I agonizingly put her to sleep on October 29th after realizing she was suffering greatly; and living in near poverty so we had to keep asking for donations (but never had enough and still don't), so we had to make hard choices of what treatments we could do and not do — all the while risking Talyaa dying from cancer.
TRANSFORMATION IN HELPLESSNESS - On August 20 (our unofficial first wedding anniversary) after 2 long MRI scans that day, one of our doctors told us that Talyaa's spine was riddled with tumors and she faced a diagnosis of 3 to 13 weeks to live -- in facing the Grim Reaper once again, so many times in three years, I realized that even ten of me could not help my beloved wife survive this. In utter helplessness and overwhelm I realized I had to shift how I approached life or my wife would probably not make it.
Simply put, I surrendered to the majesty and magnificence of life — where Magic, miracles, and help from unseen forces truly exists, if only I would ask and allow. It worked -- and when we share our story one day, you most likely will recognize the magic and miracles we asked for and got. All the doctors admit to my beloved's miraculous healing.
WHAT I LEARNED - At my men's group Christmas party, a man asked us all what we learned in 2015. Other than learning a massive amount of knowledge and wisdom about healing and health through functional and alternative methods, I didn't learn much. I actually unlearned - a lot. And I endeavor to keep unlearning and opening to so much more of the magic of life and being alive.
2015, along with my beloved's radiant being and love, destroyed my cosmology and life approach. I am now present to life in a way I never imagined. I am present to how fucking miraculous life is, and how grateful I am to be alive with my beloved. Every day I feel — not just think — I FEEL gratitude for being alive, and getting a chance to love Talyaa for another day.
WHAT'S NEXT - We're going for another fifty years of sharing life together, loving each other without reservation, and serving our communities whenever we get through this. I want to say I love you all, but I have little strength to extend much of anything to anyone, as I struggle to get through my harsh health challenges. I continue to devote my entire Self and life energy to my wife's health and mine, in service to my eternal beloved, Talyaa Tamsen Liera (aka AKUA).
Loving Talyaa has lit my way through all the harshness, helplessness, and hopelessness. In my heart I yearn to bring my gifts to our communities and the world along with my beloved wife!