For the past year, I lived with my feet securely on the ground.
No magic. No limitless possibility. Only a dwindling checkbook and a body that didn’t work all that well.
Facebook does a total number on me sometimes. I see friends flying off to Hawaii to study with shamans. Holding webinars and telesummits. Attending conferences. Being all businessy awesome and sharing their gifts with the world. My friends seem to get bigger, while I feel myself becoming smaller. Life has slowed to a crawl.
And all I see in those times is the lack, the big gap between Me and They. Between the life I want and the life I have.
And you know what?
The gap doesn’t exist. I only thought it did.
I feel like somebody punched me in the stomach, because for once in my life I grasp what a frail and brittle and scared woman I have been. I am taking massive steps to correct this with deep healing and life-reversal juju from my martial arts practice — probably more magical than believable unless you’ve experienced it — but there is more.
I have to reconnect to my Everything. To the place of beauty + magic + possibility.
I have the tools. I teach them. Time to walk my talk.
So I did. (I’ll get to the How in a moment.)
I did this once before, you know.
It happened in Tucson. I went on a solo road trip and stayed with some of my family-of-choice there. Not long after I got there, my relationship of three years ended. He wanted to open the relationship. I already felt interchangeable, like a placeholder, so I said no. Let’s go our separate ways. In the days following, I explored the spectrum of the relationship and compared it to patterns that surfaced in all my relationships. I found that I entered relationship out of a sense of lack, something I didn’t think I was getting.
I wanted to be loved. To FEEL loved.
We all want to feel loved. It’s a basic human need.
But I wasn’t feeling it.
I thought about that and realized I had a choice. I could stay in that wound, that emptiness, that lack — the sense that I had never felt loved. Or, I could make a different choice.
So I decided to choose to experience life as if I had always felt loved.
Right there, in Tucson, in my friend’s shower, I made the choice.
“I have always felt loved.”
I said it. I felt it.
I felt an instant change. Years of pain fell away. I felt softer. Lighter. More real. Way more expanded. Happy. It was incredible.
As the days passed, I felt the change when meeting new people. I felt open, secure, loving, accepted. And loved.
Ten days later, I felt the energy of my soulmate. I knew that if I ever met the man attached to the energy, I would know him instantly. Two months later, we met — for the first time — in Seattle. That was a year and a half ago. I have never felt more loved.
Two days ago, I remembered I have a choice. Duh. I could stay in my wound of lack and the heaviness of how I was perceiving Real Life. I already knew what that felt like — it sucked.
Or, I could make a different choice.
I could choose to let go of all the layers of Not-Me that covered over the True Me. I could let go of the scared-woman, brittle self I showed the world. And I could embrace the warm, open, expansive, magical self that dwells inside me.
So I did. Overnight. Because I chose to.
Wait. Overnight? Because I chose to? What kind of bullshit is that? How do I know the change will stick?
Yes, overnight. Yes, because I chose to. We really have that power. We all do.
It might be bullshit. It might not be a real, lasting change. Time will tell. I’ll keep you posted.
It FEELS real to me. I’ve done this before, remember? Not just about feeling loved — lots of things. But this was a really big one, moving from my inner Cult of Lack to a world where I feel magical and empowered and take action from that place. Worlds apart. I don’t see the Gap any more.
The road getting here has been long. I figured out I had to learn to embrace my whole self — frailties, fears, ugly truths and all — so that I could make a different choice and finally BE the Wild Goddess that I am.
This is my work. This is what I do for others. Time to do it for myself, finally, for reals.
This is my talk.
And I am finally starting to walk my talk. I can’t wait to share with you how it unfolds. Watch as I grow. And join me — please? the world needs your brand of awesome — in walking your own talk. I’d love to help and be a part of your journey.