Oracle ✥ Artist ✥ Author ✥ Time Traveler

My search for Magic

Magic-within-goddessI joined a Facebook group this week. (Yes, another one. I adore online community.) Over nine weeks we are exploring the nine DYI energy experiments from Pam Grout’s book E-squared. I figured I had this thing locked down. It’d be fun, I thought. So easy! After all, energy is my THING. I am a channel. Intuitive. Energy healer. Dakini. I got this thing nailed down tight.

Holy hell. I was wrong. Or was I?

Day One – WTF?

Experiment #1 from E-squared is about opening to magic. Looking for evidence — solid proof — that there is an Infinite Creative Force and that I can ask it to show up and it will send me a sign. Like shouting a big “HELLLLLOOOOOOO” down a canyon and hearing it echo back even bigger and magickier than I sent out. So I shouted at 10:08 am PDT on Monday, fully expecting BIG FUCKING MAGIC to happen.


About 2 hours in to the experiment I wrote a little post about my impatience with it. I have 48 hours to complete the assignment and get my sign — or a whole bucketful of signs. Time is a-ticking! I read comments by others in the group who saw magic everywhere. Buckets of signs. I want that, I said to myself. Now. I want what they have! There’s no time to lose! My 48 hours is ticking! So I wrote about my impatience. I imagined tapping an impatient toe, and wrote that: Tap. Tap. Tap.

Well, I meant to write Tap. Tap. Tap. What I actually wrote was Tap. Tap. Tao.

Now, since I was 17, “Tao” has meant “the Tao”, a lovely term for the All That Is, aka Infinite Creative Force, god/goddess, The Divine, etc.  I knew — KNEW! — that my sign had appeared! Yay!

Except… dang. This typo was such a little thing. My days are filled with typos. Did it really mean anything? I wanted fireworks. A 2×4 across the side of my head. A sudden bank deposit in an obscenely large amount from an unknown source. Something that would make me sit up and take notice and REALLY BELIEVE IN THE MAGICS.

I did NOT want a thing I have known most of my life. A mistake, an accidental “O” where a “P” was intended. Somehow, the Tao sign wasn’t good enough. So I kept looking. I had nearly two whole days left. Plenty of time for magic.

I squandered nearly a full day after that by feeling worthless and un-powerful. Feeling icky from wee bits of conflict with my beloved. Being super tired from getting up at 4-something am to take my daughter Serena to the airport. Having strange, powerful, nightmarish dreams while in nap-recovery from the early wakeup. Going to yoga. Recovering from yoga with Nap #2. Watching Warehouse 13 with my beloved.

None of this felt magical. None of this felt like a sign of any kind. In fact, I felt the opposite of magical. I was trying SO HARD and nothing was happening. Maybe it was the wrong day to find a sign that the Divine exists.

Day Two will be better, I decided. Go, Day Two! It will be filled with signs! Signs everywhere!

Day Two – aha!

I found myself thinking a lot about how magic feels. At yoga, I lost myself in breath and flow. Was that magic? In final shivasana (lying flat on back after yoga and bending and sweating and flowing, every part of the body relaxed), I felt my heartbeat. The power of my body. Breath and body, melting into my mat and the earth below. Was that magic? Driving home from yoga, I looked for magic on the streets. A sign caught my eye. The letter “M” stood out. It shimmered under my gaze and a chill ran up my spine. Was that magic?

I glanced at the clock. 11:11. But I see 11:11 all the time, my Inner Resistant Whiny Voice cried, it means nothing special now, right? This is the thing I’ve used for ages now as evidence of my connection to Infinite Presence. I WANNA NEW SIGN!!  GIVE ME FIREWORKS!!  This voice in my head, the patient response to my inner outburst: Yes. Of course. Because you are always connected.

I chose to ignore that. Fireworks. GIVE ME FUCKING FIREWORKS. SHOW ME THE MAGIC.

Later, that inner, patient voice again: Remember Dorothy and the silver slippers? She always had the power to create her heart’s desire….inside her.


And then I sat myself in the corner for awhile to think and feel. What was I missing? Maybe the magic — the sign I was looking for — was inside me. Maybe it is a feeling, not a thing. And maybe it’s a feeling I can choose to create.

What is this feeling? What is this feeling of being seen by the Universe, of being held and comforted and “right”? Is that magic? Was it magic in Tantra Land, immersing myself in classes and sacred space and my breath? It sure felt like magic. Something was different there. Time stretched toward infinity. I felt alive, lit up from the inside. I knew things in my bones and heart — deep utter knowing.

I decided to focus on a feeling of Being Present. I love how it feels when I am so immersed in what I am doing and feeling and BEing that time stands still. One feel and BE flows into the next feel and BE, just like one breath flows into the next breath. Being Present is when everything else falls away — no extraneous thoughts about what’s for dinner or why are my thighs so jiggly or composing my next Facebook status update in my head — and I just Am.

Inside I AM there is only spaciousness. Being Present is living inside that spaciousness, knowing that a breath expands it farther and farther. Being Present is fully accepting (even loving) all that I am, have been, and will be…at least for this moment. Being Present is living inside a constant flow of Source Energy, call it Love if you will, while being also aware that every breath grows the Love and grows the capacity for more Presence.

The Magic is inside us

Seriously, Universe? You think I didn’t know the Magic is inside me, haven’t heard it a zillion times, haven’t SAID it a zillion times? Yeah, well. I can know something and teach something but not yet fully live it.

Magic is inside you. All the time. It just is. Because, well, YOU are magic. You’re made of stars.

The connection to the Divine always exists within you. Just like Dorothy always had the power inside her to go home to Kansas, you, too are hardwired with a connection to the Divine. Why? Because the Divine is IN you. It never goes away. It’s always there for you when you want it.

All the wisdom you need — or the doorway to that wisdom — starts inside you. You’re made of stars, remember? You’re a superstar. Your body and your soul — all inside you — hold amazing amounts of wisdom.

To reach your Magic, all you have to do is ask. Belief is not required.

Why not open now to your own connection to the Infinite Creative Force? Amp up your energy first by sinking deep into some things you’re truly grateful for. Gratitude is a wonderful energy-shifter. Once you’re in the space that opens as a result, try your own 48-hour experiment. Ask your version of Infinite Creative Force to show you the magic over the next 48 hours. If you like, report back in the comments. Be your own energy investigator. I can’t wait to hear about it.




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  1. Jason

    I love magic, go girl!

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