Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking last week when I made an appointment with a new oncologist for yesterday. This makes 4 so far, and only one is a keeper. Even though the keeper oncologist (the one who did my Gamma Knife radiation for brain mets) knows nothing about holistic cancer healing like Gerson therapy, Iscador, Vitamin C IVs, and all the things that I am doing on my cancer healing program, she says to keep doing it! It’s working! The other three oncologists seem to think that we’re lying or mistaken or it’s just a fluke that my tumors are shrinking or that shrinking tumors aren’t really a sign that my melanoma is receding. Yeah, whatever.
Still, when I set the appointment I wanted something.
Reassurance that what I am doing is working.
I’m slowly coming out the far side of a major healing reaction. Gerson talks about these, and there is supposed to be a big one after about six months. I’m right on target. Pain, fever, fatigue. My magical Triad of Yuck. The cancer trifecta. Ten days of healing reaction — if that’s what it was — was enough to send me scuttling to the medical marijuana store for pot-laden cookies for the pain (I dissect each cookie into 8 parts, one of which is enough to send me to Loopy Land for 5 hours. Hey, throw your hands in the air! Now wave them around like you just don’t care! Those are the kind of thoughts I have while infused with a wee bit o’Mary Jane). Ten days of Yuck that wasn’t going away. Time to check it out, right?
Reassurance that my lumps and bumps and pains don’t mean something bad.
I have a pain in my left pectoral muscle. It’s been there since December. Moving my arm hurts and reminds me that the pain is there. Now we can feel kind of a lump there where it hurts, a thickening of the muscle that feels different from the muscle on my right side. Did last month’s CT scan look at that area? Things get missed all the time. Doctors are not infallible. My weekly energy healers keep working on this part of my body even though I didn’t tell them I had a concern there. What does that mean? Plus my whole body hurts now, like ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Why? Am I doing something wrong? Or is this just how it goes? I have so many questions. I wanted answers.
Reassurance that I’m not missing some magical medical intervention.
This is a joke, right? Sadly, no. Even though U.S. medicine has next to nothing for melanoma that works beyond giving people a few extra months of life, my magical thinking was on board. Maybe there’s a pill I need! A therapy! Something to make cancer go POOF! and buh-bye. Yeah, no. Sorry. Nada. This doctor only currently has two melanoma patients, he said. Neither one is a candidate for the targeted gene mutation drug thingie (Vemurafenib, aka Zelboraf, a targeted therapy drug for the BRAF gene mutation that I happen to test positive for) that has oncologists in a lather because it’s at least marginally better than throwing cupcakes at a cancer patient, so he doesn’t really know how the drug works for people. And that seemed to be the extent of his melanoma arsenal.
Reassurance that my experience is in line with people who heal their cancer holistically.
I’ve become increasingly worried that since I feel like crap most of the time it means my healing program isn’t working. I’ve begun combing forums and blogs to try to find out how people do in situations like mine. So far, it looks like people fall in one of three categories:
- Doing great on holistic/nutritional therapies. They look great and feel great. Winning.
- Feeling good on the therapies, but cancer is progressing anyway. Then they die.
- Giving up the therapies to try the medical route. Then they die.
I spend a lot of time thinking about what makes the difference between the people in #1 and those in #2 and #3.
Soulmate went into the appointment with a bit of a chip on his shoulder, I believe. He is angry at the medical community. With good reason, I suspect, but still. I wanted an ally. I wanted reassurance. I wanted a magical cure. I wanted to know I’m on the right path. But Soulmate did not like this guy AT ALL. I got none of the things I wanted, not directly. I feel alone again. Exposed. I have this cancer thing that is eating my body and killing me, and no one really has answers. People think they have answers and seem to even fervently believe they have answers, but I don’t believe there is any ONE cure for my cancer. This is fucking scary. I’m an explorer without a map. And my life is literally at stake.