Things feel a little weird here in Talyaa Land today. Not sure yet why.
I loved our Thanksgiving. Awoke to a couple of texted greetings, and of course my beloved’s face. He let me sleep in a little, which is one of the best things ever. We just kind of hung out all day, loving each other, until it was time to go to the party.
I’ve never felt so relaxed and in ease at a party before. Usually at parties I feel like I have to run around and get to know people or appear a certain way, but maybe all this surrendering I’ve been doing has had an effect, because here we were at what one friend described as a mansion and I just sat next to my beloved in one of those opulent leather couches that swallows people whole, talking to friends who came over to connect with us and observing people doing their thing. I felt like I was in a mini vortex where time stands still yet people moved at their regular pace around me.
We danced a little Argentine tango, me and my beloved, making our own music on a wide white tiled floor. We stood out next to the long lap pool looking at the moon and the stars. Someone played the big black grand piano. A yummy cuddle puddle of maybe eight people formed on the biggest beanbag chair I’ve ever seen. A huge inflatable white swan floated in the pool. Laser lights beamed sparkly colors. And we left when we’d had enough. It was enough.
It’s my brother’s birthday today. We typically don’t talk unless there’s a family emergency, and I didn’t consider new brain tumors a family emergency, because really, what’s he going to say? But I’m thinking about him today, wishing him well and happy. I feel sad that we don’t connect — once we were very close, and he lived with me for a summer when he fought fires with the forest service — and I don’t know how to change things between us, because I think we live in different worlds now.
Yesterday in my imagination there was a huge wave of connectedness among humans, at least in my country, and today I feel my disconnect with the remaining members of my family of origin. Contrast! Which would help explain my sense of imbalance.
I can’t seem to get enough of my beloved Dave Donatiu today. He went out to brave the crowds to procure important things like carrots and TP, and in the emptiness of the house I wept from missing him like I would miss my own arm. And I felt shame at missing someone so much, at the thought of needing another human so much.
This protocol I’m on for cancer causes occasional spontaneous emotional eruptions. I’m used to feeling suddenly weepy or angry. Yay! It means I’M ALIVE.
But wow, November slipped by me and it’s nearly 2015, which surely is still so far in the distant nebulous Future, isn’t it? Near and yet so far?
I’m standing still and hurtling light-years into time, all at once. What an amazing sensation. How good it is to feel and be alive.
Much love, as always.