Oracle ✥ Artist ✥ Author ✥ Time Traveler

Ripping off my Chameleon Cape of Invisibility

goddess-capeSome days I’m convinced my unwitting purpose must be to piss people off. I’m trying to see the good in this. We are all mirrors for one another, yes, but doesn’t the mirror feel too?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a strong desire to be liked. Is this universal? I keep thinking I’m tricking myself into believing we all want to be liked. In our ancestral tribal past, fitting in meant survival (unless you were the leader, in which case you’d better have other qualities like spear-throwing or mastodon-chucking to compensate for being a dick). But I suspect it goes deeper than simple hardwiring for me. I’ve concocted a cape of elaborate chameleon qualities over the years in an effort to be liked. Do you like ice cream? Hey, I like ice cream too! Even if I don’t really. I’d throw on my Chameleon Cape and convince myself that ice cream was awesome, and pretty soon — ta da! — I liked ice cream. Just as much as if it came from somewhere Deep and True inside me.

Wait! What about the people who don’t have Chameleon Capes and who don’t care about being liked? Are they fooling themselves? Or are they unicorns wielding Holy Grails of Awesome, impervious to slings and arrows and honestly grooving so much on their own inner song that it just doesn’t matter if anyone else hates the song, let alone sings along? Do these unicorns exist? Or are they part of my elaborate labyrinthine mindfuck that slots so neatly into the moat of self loathing I’ve constructed around my inner castle?

I didn’t become a chameleon consciously, just like I didn’t set out to consciously lie to myself about ice cream. But what I did was just as powerful. I believed my Chameleon Cape so much. I wanted to fit in so badly. I was willing to lose myself to be liked. Whoa, how damaging. The real Me hid deep inside layers upon layers of not-Me. Seething. Waiting.

And now…

1. Some of the layers have melted away. Burned in the fires of cancer. What’s underneath is raw. Unformed. Scared. My words come out too harshly. Disconnected from my heart, which is also scared. Vulnerability scares me. Being Real scares me. It’s windy and cold without that cape.

2. My real wants, hidden for decades under the charade of the Chameleon Cape, scream for attention. I’m battling with the two-year old inside me who was never listened to. Sometimes she takes the reins. The rest of me goes deaf and blind when that happens, stuck inside an endless loop of old trauma. What triggers my Inner Two tantrums? Being yelled at. Feeling unheard, disregarded, invisible.

(Funny that last, because for years I convinced myself that Invisibility was my superpower. But I HATED the feeling of invisibility. Turns out I am anything but invisible…)

3. I suspect that I’d care a lot less about whether people liked me if I liked myself more. I’m working on this but it’s not coming fast enough, not in enough ways. Like water seeping into porous rock, my self-hatred is eroding the one Very Precious Thing I hold dearest — the love for my soulmate. I can’t seem to change fast enough. There is SO much self hatred to unravel, expose, and shine light on. It’s easier sometimes to keep the band-aid on til it rots than to rip it off.

But I’m going to find a way.

 

2 Comments

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  1. theia

    Hi Talyaa
    I am identifying sooo much! And have been so aware of this theme in me especially recently so I will share a couple of approaches that are part of my journey of allowing my wholeness to emerge.(i used to think I had to create my wholeness as I thought I was ‘born bad’ and had to make myself into something valid. Then I thought I had to get everyone else to say I was ‘somebody’ so that I could be valid. Then I thought I had to get rid of (xxx) so that I could be whole. (you get the picture)). I didnt know I was really whole already and that what I need is some help to stop continuing the ‘non whole-ness’ that I created when I had no other choice if I was going to survive. I had so much self-criticism (and then some). This was survival.

    You are on a path that seems to work for you so I am reluctant to pile in with any suggestions. But here goes anyway! (courage, ma brave 🙂 I have come across an approach called ‘Inner Bonding’ and it is an approach that is so non-perjorative that I wonder if you might, like me, find in it something that starts to put the pieces together?

    I imagine you already looked at the issue of Trauma and trauma, and are aware of the work of Peter Levine and other Somatic approaches?

    Warmly
    theia

    • wildgoddess

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments! Re: somatic approaches, my beloved is a body-centered therapist and I’ve learned a lot from him. He developed a healing modality called The Paradox Cure that incorporates and synthesizes bioenergetics, somatic approaches, self-acceptance training, and a bunch of other modalities. I use it often.

      I’ve had huge shifts since my last post … can’t wait to share more! <3 Much love to you...

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