Oracle ✥ Artist ✥ Author ✥ Time Traveler

Sadness and Dread and Beauty

Suffocated by sadness and dread

[This post was written for Facebook in early 2015 when I was getting ready for brain surgery. I’m finally catching up now.]

Things are changing. I don’t know why I fight this, even though I’m not exactly fighting hard. Things always change.

A few days ago I stopped taking almost all my meds and supplements, to get my body ready for surgery. There’s a real possibility of bleeding to an extent that would impair my surgery or cause need for open craniotomy, so I stopped taking anything that might contribute to bleeding or impede my healing. Which was almost everything.

Cold turkey.

So I’m trying to find my balance again.

Funny, I thought I’d feel better without all the meds. But beyond an easier time finding words and less lightheadedness when standing up, I don’t feel better. In some ways I feel worse. My default response to this is to think I’m either faking it or failing. Neither response is helpful.

It’s like feeling ready to run a race only to discover that your feet are tied together.

Sigh. There’s quite a debate raging in my head right now. Competing thoughts and judgments.

  • I should not complain / I have great reason to complain
  • No one wants to read this / Some people are very interested in my experience
  • I should be getting more done (anything would be more than I’m doing now) / This is my time to rest
  • The weakness of my body is a reflection of my defective inner self / Fuck that! So bogus!

Ah, I think it’s not so much sadness and dread I’m experiencing, but ANGER.

RAWR.

Anger is the emotion we feel when we are thwarted. I feel thwarted. Brain tumors are superb thwarters.

(Ever look at a word too many times and start doubting its correct spelling? Thwart. Thwart. Thwart. Thwart. Looks wrong to me now. Like a wart with a lisp.)

What am I thwarted from?

Experiencing life the way I think it should go.

Story of my life, right there. This feels SO familiar.

In which case, I focus again on WHAT IS rather than on WHAT I THINK IT SHOULD BE.

Okay, that feels better. Thanks for being here with me.

  • I have great reason to complain.
  • Some people are interested in my experience.
  • This is my time to rest.
This place, this planet, is in my belief a good place. A magical place. Certainly a beautiful place. It’s filled with amazing people who care about important things and one another. People who, when it comes right down to it, would for the most part give a lot of themselves to help someone else.

(Check out the stories at Humans of New York lately – they’ve profiled people at a school that needed help, and now so many lives are changed for the better for years to come as a result)

What a wonderful place to be.

Much love, as always.

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