Things are changing. I don’t know why I fight this, even though I’m not exactly fighting hard. Things always change.
A few days ago I stopped taking almost all my meds and supplements, to get my body ready for surgery. There’s a real possibility of bleeding to an extent that would impair my surgery or cause need for open craniotomy, so I stopped taking anything that might contribute to bleeding or impede my healing. Which was almost everything.
So I’m trying to find my balance again.
Funny, I thought I’d feel better without all the meds. But beyond an easier time finding words and less lightheadedness when standing up, I don’t feel better. In some ways I feel worse. My default response to this is to think I’m either faking it or failing. Neither response is helpful.
It’s like feeling ready to run a race only to discover that your feet are tied together.
Sigh. There’s quite a debate raging in my head right now. Competing thoughts and judgments.
- I should not complain / I have great reason to complain
- No one wants to read this / Some people are very interested in my experience
- I should be getting more done (anything would be more than I’m doing now) / This is my time to rest
- The weakness of my body is a reflection of my defective inner self / Fuck that! So bogus!
Ah, I think it’s not so much sadness and dread I’m experiencing, but ANGER.
Anger is the emotion we feel when we are thwarted. I feel thwarted. Brain tumors are superb thwarters.
(Ever look at a word too many times and start doubting its correct spelling? Thwart. Thwart. Thwart. Thwart. Looks wrong to me now. Like a wart with a lisp.)
What am I thwarted from?
Experiencing life the way I think it should go.
Story of my life, right there. This feels SO familiar.
In which case, I focus again on WHAT IS rather than on WHAT I THINK IT SHOULD BE.
Okay, that feels better. Thanks for being here with me.
- I have great reason to complain.
- Some people are interested in my experience.
- This is my time to rest.
(Check out the stories at Humans of New York lately – they’ve profiled people at a school that needed help, and now so many lives are changed for the better for years to come as a result)
What a wonderful place to be.
Much love, as always.