It doesn’t happen often anymore, but on days when the stars align we curl up together under his big comforter, arranging a pillowed nest for two spoons, the curtain just so and the lights low. I’ve been feeling pretty bad the past several days, so snuggling with my soulmate was like heaven. Delicious drifty dreams.
He awakens, stretches. I unspoon and turn to look in his eyes. Wheels are turning there. He’s thinking about All The Stuff he has to do.
Heat water for my next coffee enema. Pour cooling enema-bound coffee from a big pot into 9 quart jars for today and tomorrow. Juicing for me. Pick up a prescription for me. Pick up IV supplies for me. Go to the post office for me. Go grocery shopping for us (we used to do this together. It was a date). Come back in time to eat and get ready to take me to martial arts. Never mind doing anything else that he might want to do, for him or us. Nope. All the time goes to me. Me, me, me.
The wheels were turning in my soulmate’s head and I could feel it. The I-have-way-too-much-shit-to-do-and-not-enough-time-to-do-it-all feeling. Every day this man spends hours. Doing stuff FOR ME.
And I can FEEL what must be conflict inside him. I need stuff. A lot of stuff. I can’t do it. It has to be him, there isn’t anyone else. Not for all that I need.
Soulmate told me a story once about alligators. You’re in a swamp. You have a big stick and a bucket. You’re surrounded by alligators, so you whack them with your stick. Whacking them with your stick keeps them at a distance for awhile but they are wily, those alligators. Also hungry. They keep coming at you. You have to be vigilant with your stick. But you also have a bucket, yes? You could use the bucket to drain the swamp. Too bad it’s such a slow process. But very rewarding. If you drain the swamp, the alligators will set off in search of a new swamp and leave you and your stick in peace. But if you stop whacking alligators with your stick long enough to pick up the bucket to drain the swamp, they’ll eat you. But if you don’t drain the swamp, you’ll always be fighting alligators. What to do?
Soulmate sees the alligators. We named some of them: Juicing, Paying Rent, Keeping Talyaa Alive. He also knows how to drain the swamp. We named our buckets, too: Asking For Help, Marketing Soulmate’s Services, Improved Health and Vitality for Soulmate. It’s a deep deep swamp we live in.
It breaks my heart to see my love turning these wheels in his head. Trying to find balance among way too many things. Wondering every day whether all this work will really keep me alive so we can have the life together we’ve dreamed of. Knowing the way to get out of our swamp but not having the time, money or energy to make it happen.
I feel ashamed that I can’t do much. Most of my life I found my value in the things I did for other people and for myself. I was so proud of being an island, not needing anyone or anything. I made my life meaningful through the things I did for other people. Healer. Seer. Giver-of-information. Link-to-the-divine. Mother. Lover. Giving was good, I thought. I still think that. I believe we all want to serve our world in some way.
It breaks my heart that my beloved battles alligators all day, alone in his swamp.
My soulmate Kahuna and I are deeply grateful for your contribution, donation, energy, and thoughts and prayers you send our way. We know we are not on this journey alone, even though we have often felt great hopelessness and despair. We see and feel the difference community makes – we have found we can’t do this journey without so many of you.
Your help makes a huge difference. I cannot continue healing without it. Please visit this page on my soulmate’s website to find out ways you can contribute.