After two days of driving, my beloved Kahuna and I arrive in the mountains above Santa Cruz, CA and check into the one bedroom villa that’s to be our home for 11 days. I congratulate myself at how loving and connected we stayed while traveling, despite long miles and weary bodies.
I am so excited to meet the new Tantra family we’ll be learning, playing, and growing with. Some beautiful and welcome faces from Level One last month. I wonder whether they can see the changes on me that I feel inside. It’s been weeks since we graduated from Level One but it already feels like months. So much has happened within me since then!
I am so happy to be here.
One by one we sit at the front of the room and talk of what has taken place in our lives since we finished our Level One tantra teacher training. For most, it has been close to a year. For some, longer. So many powerful stories of growth, understanding, and courage! So many strong and amazing women and men.
I take in the love and compassion from the faces turned toward me, glowing suns beaming light. I tell them where I was a year ago, leaving the hospital with a diagnosis of death: Stage 4 cancer, a few months to live. I tell them of the dark tunnel I found myself in, physically and emotionally weak. The hours lying on the couch. Being able to stand for just a few minutes at a time. Losing my words — my connection to Self, my vehicle of expression — and the terror that accompanied a brain that didn’t function properly. So alone. So afraid. Seeing nothing but emptiness around and ahead of me, the devotion of my soulmate becoming my only light. A beacon that called me back from the dark.
I tell them of the deep power of healing in community. Of the need to find my path back to Spirit. Of the emotional wounds that needed soothing. I tell them how I knew my salvation was Tantra.
And my deep utter clear instant inner knowing that Tantra, in addition to saving my life, IS my life. My path. My dharma.
I see nothing but Light reflected back to me.
My Kahuna makes a beautiful speech about his journey. The pain, the terror, the isolation, the depression. And then for him, too, the path. Tantra is saving his life. Tantra is saving OUR lives.
We go back to our villa, and all that light and love had turned to fear and conflict between us. Deep conflict. Our biggest conflict ever so far. The kind that keeps you up all night and is the nightmare you return to in the morning.
The learning begins.