Did you miss the first Tantra Land Diaries from July? Go here.
Other Tantra Land Diaries posts in this series (go on, read it now. This post will make much more sense if you do. I’ll wait):
Day 1, ARRIVAL.
In attempting to work through last night’s conflict with soulmate Kahuna, buttons are pushed and triggers are hit. Fear courses through me and I am transformed into a cornered wild animal or a terrified three year old. Conflict escalates so quickly! Rage courses through my body. I’m quivering. Can’t think or breathe. Can only fight or flee.
I am not the only one in fear. Kahuna’s justifiably angry response to my inner three year old further enrages me. I lunge at him, twice, never making or intending contact, but the energy of hitting was there. Now he is afraid of me.
I am deeply ashamed. I am trying to assert my wants, trying to feel empowered. Because I have little practice at anything other than suppressing my anger and desires, when they come out it’s 100 times stronger than I think it is. The very thing I’ve been guarding against in him and in others all my life is the very thing that is in me. Anger. So much anger. I want to let my anger out. I want to feel empowered. I want to heal this broken place in me. Yet the first time I try, I find out that it hurts. Hurts someone I love deeply. Anger hurts others. MY anger hurt the man I love. I am so very ashamed.
My beloved is afraid of me. Doesn’t want to be around me. I don’t know how to sit with this. How do I sit with myself? I go to class and do my best to remain present. Then I do something unthinkable (for me): I ask virtual strangers for help. I ask for help in an amazing FB group. I ask for help from women in my class, women I hadn’t met until last night.
Class is on many things today. Meditation and pranayama. White Tantra (yoga). Nurturing techniques, zero balancing techniques (spine lengthening), tapping, foot reflexology, yab yum. I ask Kahuna to be my partner for yab yum, thinking it will help heal our conflict. He is wary but agrees. Afterward I don’t feel much better. Shame is so powerful.
In the evening I meet with two goddesses, women from the class, and we talk about anger and empowerment. They have been down this road before. I feel good that I reached out.
At home, Kahuna and I talk about what I learned from the women. I have some tools to use. I give him a foot massage. Things are not yet healed, but they are better.