Did you miss the first Tantra Land Diaries from July? Go here.
Other Tantra Land Diaries posts in this series (go on, read them now. This post will make much more sense if you do. I’ll wait):
Day 1, ARRIVAL.
Day 2, CONFLICT.
I awaken early to have time for yoga with my beloved before meeting with one of the teaching team before class. Somehow the early morning hours slip away and Kahuna and I are moving into conflict again instead of connection. I am impatient to get to the temple classroom to get answers from the instructor, Lisa, who has agreed to offer perspective on my issue of anger. Kahuna has much to do in the villa before he is ready for yoga or for morning class. Instead of continuing the escalating conflict that arises from my impatience (the Fear Of Missing Out — FOMO), I use a tool one of the goddesses I met with last night told me about, and instead of pushing through and engaging in conflict, I tell Kahuna I will take space because I feel triggered and want time to go inward and reconnect before getting back to him.
I walk to the temple alone.
While I walk I reflect on where I was physically only a month ago when we arrived for Level One. I was sick. Weak. The cancer thing was very present. We were assigned a villa very close to the classroom because I couldn’t walk very far. This time our villa is a good half mile away from the classroom. I have no problem walking that far today. The walk feels good. Things have changed for me in just one month. I take note.
I tell Lisa the instructor about my issue. That I seek ways to stand in my power and not be afraid of it. That because of my disconnect with anger, it comes out so much more strongly when I finally engage with it. That I feel unable to not go to my rage place when my beloved says or does things that trigger me.
Lisa has great answers. Tools I can use.
1. Take space for myself.
2. Remain grounded during conflict. Actively ground. Remember my divinity.
3. In conflict, remember the Love. What is most important, really? That my love for this man is as big as the ocean and as wide as the sky or that sometimes in the heat of conflict he calls me a fucking bitch? When I drop in again to the feeling of spacious love for my beloved that dwells in my heart, I feel centered again, rooted in the sureness of our love, and I can feel safe enough to be authentic and vulnerable.
Already I feel so much love and compassion for my beloved. I remember what a hard time he is going through. My compassion for him goes to 11.
Morning class is a lot of pranayama and meditations. We are daily increasing the amount of energy we run in our bodies and in shaktipat (group energy).
In class, we all draw tarot cards to determine how we will pair for tonight’s homework assignment. First we meditate on a quality we want to evoke within ourselves in this practice tonight. A word that embodies that quality. I allow words to sift through my mind…love, wisdom, kindness…kindness rises to the top. I interpret this as wanting to be kinder. I should be kinder, right? I know I can be more kind. Our eyes are closed. We are reminded again to choose a word…no, not kindness. Love. Love is my word.
I choose a card from those spread in front of me. I open my eyes and look at my card. Two of Cups. The Lovers. The picture on the card is of two beings, heads close together, next to two overflowing cups. I know this is me and my beloved.
Oh shit, I think. I have to work through things within me to create more space to love with my beloved.
Oh yay, I think. I get the chance to work through things within me to create more space to love with my beloved.
The names of the cards are called out, pair by pair, and pair by pair we move to the center of the room to create sacred geometry with our bodies, sitting connected in a pattern, holding hands with our dyad partner, our backs against the back of someone in another dyad.
I find myself sitting across from my beloved. My Kahuna.
Oh shit, I think. We are still in conflict, still barely speaking, and the cards directed us to work together.
Oh yay, I think. We are still in conflict, still barely speaking, and the cards directed us to work together.
I am still in a yay place when Kahuna mutters that he didn’t drive 1000 miles to work with his partner. He can work with me any time.
I stay rooted in the yay place. Remember the Love, I tell myself.
In the villa during lunch break, Kahuna and I talk. I get a chance to remember the wise words given me by so many wise women. I stay grounded. I remember the Love. Kahuna’s anger at me begins to fade. I own some ugly truths about myself.
I have been passive aggressive. I have been a bitch sometimes. A fucking bitch. I wanted to control and direct things because I didn’t feel safe. Safety is not for anyone to give me. Safety is what I must learn to claim for myself. Kahuna softens.
Afternoon class is a live demo of tonight’s assignment. One of the instructors, TJ, gives a session to one of the women in the class. I hope my name is drawn from the hat for the demo but another goddess is chosen. She is beautiful and vulnerable and open. We hold space for her, grounding and tuning into her frequency. What she desires from this session is to feel accepted. A part of the group. We hold her in that soace of love and belonging. Afterward, she glows. Looks ten years younger. So alive.
I desperately want that aliveness for myself. I want a session with TJ, I whisper to my beloved. He says wait. He says decide after our session tonight. I am filled with FOMO. I want to awaken. I want amrita. I want to live. I want it NOW. I wonder whether my beloved can give me that. So much FOMO!
I can feel my beloved’s energy after the demo. TJ was masterful. He broke some of what we thought were rules in this school of tantra, and it was magical. My Kahuna can do that, I think. He can do that if I believe he can. I remember the place of deep utter true conviction that this man — my beloved, my wild warrior wizard, my Kahuna — is a true medicine man. I remember how well we dance together in the alchemical crucible. My trust for him is complete. I let go of the FOMO around TJ, and instead open to What Is.
On the way out of class I am offered a session by the most powerful, embodied man in the class. I receive yummy delicious hugs from women. I feel ready to receive my beloved in session.
Homework sessions in Level Two are more intense and deeper than the homework in Level One. Our instructions are to go three rounds. The woman receives. Round One is very yin using stillness and external points around the yoni and clitoris. Round Two is inside the yoni. Sacred spot and the Kali Yuga points. Round Three is base work (anus and rectum). Intimate. Loving. Beautiful.
For a woman who dreaded sex for years, all this is a huge step. Like saying yes to intentionally falling out of an airplane at 15000 feet, I am saying YES to this work. Yes it is scary. But when I am completely present to my experience — whatever that is in the moment — there is no fear. Only the bliss of Being and sharing sacred space with another.
We come together for our session, my Kahuna and I. I decide that my word for tonight is not Love after all. It is Safety. Safety is the doorway to get to Love. If I am not safe in myself, how can I love? How can I let love in?
Round One is delicious. So much pleasure. In Level One, one of our instructors kept saying to us, How much pleasure can you take in? I ponder this while I breathe in all the pleasure I can.
Round Two unleashes Kali. I am 18 again. At a party. Filled with the power of my awakening sexual energy. I leave the party a different woman. A woman in shame. A woman who was raped in a dark room by two men.
I am screaming into a pillow now, my beloved right with me in the fire of the crucible. Screaming out my rage. Screaming out my loss. I know now why I left college so abruptly. Why my life changed and I abandoned my dreams of a life in theater and I ran and ran. Why my sexuality shut down. Why I feared men. Why for years I used alcohol to feel my sexuality. Why I dreaded sex, dreaded the intimacy and the letting go. I keen my grief over so many years of loss. So much pleasure untaken. I fill with rage again, this time at the woman who let go her grip on inner Safety. I weep and scream and rage at the universe.
The universe is big enough to hold so much emotion. I am filled again, this time by the man who walks life at my side.
The Kali Yuga point is maybe an inch from where most of my cancer has been.
Round Three reveals another big piece of my Safety in Love. I am 3 years old again and my father rejects my love. He can’t hold it. Can’t take it in. He has to push me away because to accept the love his three year old daughter offered would have revealed to him too many painful aspects of himself he wasn’t ready to face. My three year old self felt rejected and alone. With Love, my compassion for my father grows. He didn’t mean to hurt me. He was protecting himself. How much Love have I pushed away in my life because it felt too big to accept? How much Love am I too afraid to accept now?
We end our session and move into lovemaking. So beautiful. So open hearted. So connecting. I want to be with this man, my Daka Kahu, my medicine man, my partner, forever.