Did you miss the first Tantra Land Diaries from July? Go here.
Other Tantra Land Diaries posts in this series (go on, read them now. This post will make much more sense if you do. I’ll wait, semi-patiently…):
Day 1, ARRIVAL.
Day 2, CONFLICT.
Day 3, SAFETY.
Day 4, INTEGRATION
Back now? Awesome. Carry on!
Morning White Tantra class (yoga and breathing). We arrive late. I do not like being late. When I am late I think people will judge me or point fingers and laugh. Even deeper, when I arrive late to a group event I lose my feeling of safety within the group. Arriving early means I can feel included, already a part of things, as people arrive. Coming in late, I think I have to struggle to connect my energy to the group’s. I see them as already bonded, surrounded by an impenetrable wall that I have no hope of penetrating. When I arrive late to an event, I feel little hope of ever feeling included. Boo fricking hoo.
My soulmate has no compunction in arriving late to classes here. He is an on time person by nature. No, it runs deeper than that. Dave is a man of integrity, of keeping his word. When he says he will be on time, he means it and makes every effort to ensure it happens. Instructors here have consistently arrived for class late (not all of them and not every time, but enough times for it to be a pattern). Dave’s reasoning is that if instructors are out of integrity with time, why should he make heroic efforts to be on time? We always have a lot to do before classes. Why not stretch our available time for juicing, eating, resting, writing, and whatnot and just arrive late?
I think we have conflicting fears here. Mine is of not feeling included. My Kahuna’s might be of feeling overwhelmed or over burdened.
Kahuna and I arrive late and set up yoga mats at the back of the room. The class is doing a different practice. Too advanced for me. I can’t do the poses they do. Kahuna and I practice, silently. When he comes over to help adjust my pose, I feel his love through the warmth of his body close to mine and his tender touch.
White tantra melds into pranayama and meditations. We go deeper and run energy higher than ever before.
The class draws cards again for tonight’s pairings. Tonight, the men will receive from the women. I decide the quality I wish to embody in tonight’s homeplay session is Light. I am presented with the last card. I don’t get to choose — the cards have chosen for me. I look at the Three of Cups: three cups overflowing with… Light.
I am paired with John (not his real name). Good, I think. I have been meaning to talk to him. Isn’t he the one who said he is from Bucks County in Pennsylvania? I used to live there. 16 years. Maybe we have something or know someone in common.
Standing with our partners for tonight, we are led through a breathing exercise. Heart energy. My hand on his heart, his hand on mine. We breathe together, bringing energy up and then out our hands. We reverse the breaths — I breathe him in, then send out when I exhale. He breathes me in through his heart, then sends me energy into mine. We become a circuit. Exchanging heart energy. This feels calming, centering, and harmonizing.
Afternoon’s class is a demo. Lisa, the instructor who gave me such awesome wisdom earlier this week, will give a session in front of the class with the courageous man whose name was drawn from the hat. We gather close in silence, holding space for his journey.
Powerful session. He had emotional releases. Lisa’s technique was sensual and powerful. A Shakti woman. I am inspired. I feel the other women, my sisters, girding to bring higher and deeper sensuality to tonight’s experiences.
After the demo there is time for questions. A question is asked about breath work. Within the responses, John, my partner for tonight, mentions that he does rebirthing. Suddenly I remember and it is all so clear — I went to him for two rebirthing sessions in 1998 in Pennsylvania. I have worked with him before. The first rebirthing was wonderful. I still remember the feeling of bliss, joy, and peace I felt for two weeks afterward. The second session was different. I felt squidgy. Hit on. I never went back.
I wonder what I will do with this in session tonight with John. In Level One I hit a big wall. I cranked up my Shakti and the man I was in session with violated some boundaries. I think about this now. I remember the powerful session I received just two days ago, around safety. Opening to the power of the safety I create within myself.
I decide to trust the Goddess. Parvati revealed herself to me. I choose to remember myself in my healed state. I no longer fear John. I recognize that my feelings about that second rebirthing session were probably of my own making. My own making, not his. I trust the Goddess.
John arrives at my villa. I tell him we’ve met before, 15 years ago. I pay close attention to his response. Is he sheepish? Averts his eyes? No, he is engaged. Interested. Thrilled at the idea of divine order and completing a circuit begun years before. I claim the power of my own feelings. I know I will choose empowerment instead of victimhood in this session. I tell him of the impact of that first session, the two weeks of bliss. It is a gift to him to know he made a difference. I do not tell him about the second session. He doesn’t need that information now. Knowing that I once felt uncomfortable with him might keep him from fully relaxing into receiving tonight. He did nothing wrong.
The session is beautiful. John wants tenderness and nurturing. He’s only so far experienced pain in his base chakra, he says. Go slow. Be gentle. I’m a little afraid. I can do that, I think. Slow and gentle. I’ve had practice at slow and gentle. I can hold space for this man’s needs.
Round One is massage and external opening. Pressure points around the perineum. He sighs with pleasure at the sound healing, chakra balancing, and alternating light strokes with deeper massage while he’s lying on his belly. I have him turn over. I start at his heart but want to touch his face. His face needs love, I sense. His skin has issues. I can see them. I stroke his face gently. Tears flow. I think no one has touched his face and given it love in a long time. I lie next to him and stroke his face tenderly.
Round Two brings up his sexual energy. I sit between his legs, his knees draped over mine, and help him bring energy into his lingam (penis). This round is comfortable, companionable. Men seem to love to tell women about their lingams, what feels good, how they like to be touched and stroked. I used to fear lingams. Now I honor how completely open, trusting, and vulnerable a man has to be to open himself to a woman this way. John’s courage in trusting me with his body this way touches my heart deeply. How can we not see God in one another when we come from this place?
Round Three is base chakra work. Points inside both anal gates, the male g-spot, and the prostate all receive healing in this round. Base chakra work is so powerful. This is where we hold so many fears. Abundance, he says. Love. Safety. They all come from work in this area. I go in his body slowly, asking him to let his body decide. Take a breath in and hold, contract your PC muscles, I tell him, and then release and inhale me in. Such a gentle process this way. So easy. No fear. No pain.
John feels the slightest movement inside with my one finger, the most yin of my fingers, so we work only with stillness. I glow my energy into him. He moves his body to take in more or less energy, whatever feels right, and moves into pleasure. I am just here facilitating this man’s beautiful journey. I coach him to breathe, focusing on different places in his body. This work is a dance. We are partners.
Soon we are playing with sending and receiving energy. Through my finger inside his rectum, I send him pure Shakti channeled and held within my heart and power center, then glow it out through my finger. I see the energy fill him. Then he fills himself with Shiva energy and sends it to me through his base chakra where my finger is. I feel warmth spreading upward through me, pure masculine love energy, the very essence of being male. Shiva and Shakti dance together in my heart and I send it all back to John through my hand and finger.
This divine dance of Shiva and Shakti is why I do this work. Inhabiting sacred space with another being who shows up as deep and true as they are able is divine work.
I see God in this man tonight. I feel the Goddess in me. Together we are Light.