Did you miss the first Tantra Land Diaries from July? Go here.
Other Tantra Land Diaries posts in this series (go on, read them now. This post will make much more sense if you do. I’ll wait, semi-patiently…):
Day 1, ARRIVAL.
Day 2, CONFLICT.
Day 3, SAFETY.
Day 4, INTEGRATION.
Day 5, THE GODDESS.
Back now? Awesome. Carry on!
I sleep, awakening only because the maids arrive with fresh towels at 10am.
Thinking we needed to drive 30 minutes down to Santa Cruz to get supplies from Whole Foods, I tell Kahuna I want to spend time at the beach while we are there. The idea of sitting in the sun listening to the waves and feeling the vast spaciousness of the ocean sounds healing. Rejuvenating. Calming.
We grill a disappointing steak and drive twisty two-lane roads through tiny redwood-ringed mountain towns toward Santa Cruz. My soulmate is tired, he says. He is only driving anywhere on this one day of rest because I said I wanted beach, he says. We stop and turn around. I don’t need beach, I say. I need time with you. Want time with you. You are the most important thing, I tell him.
The beach idea is abandoned. Instead, we go adventuring. It is a minor adventure — exploring a natural foods market in a California mountain town — but a satisfying one. We bring home a slice of organic quiche, some olives, a quarter-pint of artichoke hearts. Ripe red strawberries nestled in a wee green basket.
We take naps.
Evening class is a debrief of last night’s sessions. Each story is sweeter and more powerful than the last. I am so excited to tell mine: how I held a weeping man in my arms, how Shiva and Shakti danced in my heart, how I have forged a new relationship to lingams, how I saw god in this man and held space for his sexual power. How I inhabit Dakini. How the Goddess works through me.
My ego slowly deflates with each story told after mine. I begin to compare myself to the women in the room. I berate myself for having such arrogance, for thinking I am doing powerful work. I wonder when the words will come about me, when men will say I am magnificent, or that I am in my power, or that I was born to do this work. I want those words said about me. I want to believe those words.
My Kahuna says that men aren’t saying those words about me because they think they don’t need to. That I give off such confidence and assuredness that such words aren’t needed. The words are for the women who don’t yet believe in themselves, he says.
I ponder this, trying to turn an old perspective inside out. All my life I thought I was invisible, in the background, less than. I believed that any light I had was hidden deep inside. Kahuna tells me this isn’t so. He says I exude confidence and elegance. A Tantric Cate Blanchett. A video runs backward through my mind, unwinding the past and reframing all my experiences from this new place.
People see me.
People are affected by me.
I am magnetic.
I exude confidence.
Light shines from me.
I breathe, feeling what it is like to inhabit this new perspective.
I am seen.
I am magnetic.
My energy affects people.
I am confident.
I am light.