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Tantra Land Diaries: Day 8, SURRENDER

This post is part of a ten-day series of reposted Facebook status updates from each day of tantra teacher training (Certified Tantra Educator Level Two, CTE2 for short) from the Source School of Tantra. My training began August 11 2013 and ended on the full moon on August 20. 

Did you miss the first Tantra Land Diaries from CTE1 in July? Go here.

Other Tantra Land Diaries posts in the current series (go on, read them now. This post will make much more sense if you do. I’ll wait, semi-patiently…):

Day 1, ARRIVAL.

Day 2, CONFLICT.

Day 3, SAFETY.

Day 4, INTEGRATION.

Day 5, THE GODDESS.

Day 6, REST DAY.

Day 7, SHAME.

Back now? Awesome. Carry on!

surrender-goddessSURRENDER.

This morning Kahuna and I do our yoga practice at our villa instead of in class and arrive intentionally late to White Tantra, in time for much of the pranayama and meditation. We students lie in a circle, heads toward the center and shoulders touching, and practice a breath that brings up Shakti. I feel energy building in my pelvis, warmth spreading upward through my whole body. I want to surrender to this feeling. I want it to surround me, to engulf me. I don’t want it to stop.

We sit in meditation and prepare for drawing tarot cards to determine tonight’s session of women receiving from men. I ponder the quality in myself I wish to invoke this night. Surrender. Lately, I often touch on a source of what feels like great power within me, but I cannot yet fully open to it. I want that block removed. I want to trust enough to surrender.

My card is The Empress. I look at the card and try not to wonder which man among us drew The Emperor and will be my partner tonight. Our cards are called and we take our places within the sacred mandala. I stand as The Empress and see the man who I am the most intimidated by, the one who seems so beautiful and so composed and so beyond me that I’ve been reluctant to connect with him because I think he can’t possibly be interested in connecting with me. Tall, French accent, a powerful dancer’s body. Ooh. La. La. His eyes meet mine and I feel a reaction in him. He whispers “beautiful” as I stand and face him. I sit across from him and take his hands. Such love in these hands. Such depth in his eyes. Sadness, compassion, heart. I am in good hands. Nothing to be afraid of. Don’t know why I ever thought there would be.

We students sit in mandala with our partners for tonight. The teaching team stands and each teacher anchors an end of the mandala. TJ stands behind me, his hands on the crown my head, pouring energy into me and through me into the mandala. I open to the stars and planets and feel myself spinning, part of a great wheel, connected to my class mates, to the earth, to the divine, to myself.

Morning class is on kundalini energy. I can’t help but connect the thought of opening to my kundalini to my desire to find a way through to surrender.

I think about Amrita. I have not yet been blessed by these holy waters (amrita = female ejaculation). To me, they are a sign of Shakti, of life. I fear I am still so far from life.  I feel only how dead inside I have been this past year, my Year of Living Cancerously. I approach Judith, one of the instructors. Am I close to this awakening, I want to know. Tell me I’m on the right path. Reassure me somehow. Judith listens kindly to my tale of woe and patiently takes in all my “I can’t” and “I’m not.” Then she wisely advises me to follow my pleasure. That’s it. However that looks for me. Follow my pleasure. I wanted her to say, you’re on the right track, you’re doing great! but I realize she is saying that, just in different words. Follow my pleasure. Find my voice. And then she added that oh, Amrita usually follows when there is pleasure, connection, and upright positioning. Ok. Maybe I can relax now and just have my experience. Take that into my session tonight. Follow my pleasure. Surrender.

My session tonight…. French man. Ooh la la. I hope I can surrender when I’m thinking so much about whether he finds me desirable or whether he’s steeling himself to work with a woman he finds hideous, old, dead. I walk to his suite as clouds redden in the sky. I demand surrender from the universe. Surrender is my birthright. Surrender is my path. Help me this night, O Parvati.

The door opens. revealing a Corsican medicine man, reverent and playful. He unwraps me with eyes of god meeting goddess. I remind him of an antelope, he says, one of those elongated elegant carved wooden statues from Africa. For months I’ve seen myself as too thin, too fragile, too cancer-ridden for anyone but my beloved to think I am beautiful. He tells me that from our first night as a class, he hoped to work with me.

Tonight I am an antelope. Tonight I am beautiful. Tonight I am a goddess.

The Emperor whispers words to me, each one more powerful than the last. Free this beautiful heart from her cage, he whispers as he breathes into my heart chakra and peels my intercostal muscles away from my spine. You are free! Fly!

My power animals come, more and more and more of them. The bed becomes crowded, an ark. We make monkey sounds, lion sounds. I growl a lot. And there is so much laughter. I love how fierce his face becomes when he growls with me. The Emperor and The Empress. Every breath can have a sound. My body is musical, an instrument of beauty and power.

The night becomes a dream. I am close to that big powerful energy inside me and then it moves away, again and again. Stay with it, I tell myself. Stay out of the story. Stop observing yourself and just FEEL.

The Emperor lifts me upright. He might be touching the Three Points of Pleasure, he might be touching my sacred spot only. I can no longer tell. All sensation melts into other sensation, wave after wave of energy building within me. I am the tides and I’m being pulled by the moon to grow and expand further than I ever have. I hear my throat, my body, making sounds. Ahhhhhhh on every breath. AHHHHHHH. The ahhh sounds change to pleasure sounds. Nothing changed inside me except the sounds I hear coming out of me. Let go, I tell myself. This is the time. Just feel. Let go. Surrender.

The session is over and The Emperor gently lays me back down on the bed and slowly releases his energy. He goes to the side of the room in meditation while I integrate. Take your time, he says. This time is for you. A gift. I am a baby deer. Newly reborn. I feel the earth beneath me, supporting my body. I move my awareness to the skin on my back, feeling the folds and contours of the sheet under my body. So sensual. I feel everything. I roll over. Baby deer. Same thing on this side, I feel everything. But why is the bed so wet?

The Emperor kneels at my feet, his forehead touching the earth. I am a goddess.

Thank you, he says. Thank you for being here, thank you for your beauty, thank you for your amrita. Wait, I say, my amrita? Really??! He nods, so tenderly. So it is true. The shift I felt was real. I am initiated by the goddess. I have been blessed.

I fly home to my beloved, eager to hear about his experience. So filled. I am a goddess.

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