Did you miss the first Tantra Land Diaries from CTE1 in July? Go here.
Other Tantra Land Diaries posts in the current series (go on, read them now. This post will make much more sense if you do. I’ll wait, semi-patiently…):
Day 1, ARRIVAL.
Day 2, CONFLICT.
Day 3, SAFETY.
Day 4, INTEGRATION.
Day 5, THE GODDESS.
Day 6, REST DAY.
Day 7, SHAME.
Day 8, SURRENDER.
Back now? Awesome. Carry on!
I awaken still filled by last night’s total surrender, and knowing that tonight I bring myself and my love to another man in our last homeplay assignment. I know now I am a goddess, or that The Goddess works through me. Fine. What’s next? What inner quality do I wish to invoke this night?
In class, we debrief last night’s sessions. We are getting better at this — less story, less process, more deep learnings and takeaways. The woman who was with my beloved last night had a wonderful time. He brought with him the very quality she really needed — deep sensuality. I am so glad he gets to hear in public how amazing he is.
My turn. I start to speak and notice The Emperor isn’t in his seat. Where is he? I want him to hear this, how magical my night was. Oh. He is next to me now. I take his hand and he pulls me close. We are all such a family now. So much touching, so much affection. This is intimate work. How can I not be in love with all of them?
I tell my story: The Emperor and the antelope and the baby deer finding her new legs, awash in the healing waters of amrita. The Emperor is humble. Truly a glorious man. I am in love with all of them.
A short break before we draw cards again. I know I shall choose the perfect card. The quality I wish to invoke is Power.
The card I draw is Strength. The card depicts a bare-breasted mermaid-tailed goddess, clad in white, consorts with a dragon. I look down: I am wearing white. Hmm.
The man sitting next to me holds the card The Chariot. He is my friend from Level 1. I was hoping to work with him again. Of course, Strength rides The Chariot. Or perhaps The Chariot rides toward Strength. We are the last pair called and we take our places together within the sacred mandala.
My Kahuna is in a second triad, paired this time with the two most beautiful and powerful dakinis here. I am so happy for him. I know he will have a beautiful night.
I give up my lunch break to receive a healing session from a classmate. The Musician. He and his wife have been together since they were 12 and 13. They have an extraordinary love story that inspires me. I’m a little nervous with him, which surprises me. I want to bring more of my sensuality and sexual energy to the session but I’m not sure it is welcome or proper.
The Musician does wonderful self-taught bodywork. Like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I feel so much more open and relaxed. The Musician is incredibly sweet and kind. Such a sweet session. I feel very loved even though my body isn’t feeling much pleasure from the sexual healing part of the session.. I ask myself why I can’t open to this man now, and feel.
My inner dialog rages. I think to myself, The Musician is a desirable man. His eyes are loving and compassionate. His hands are warm and knowing. I’ve felt a connection to him for days. He is one of my favorite people in the class. Why the fuck can’t I relax and enjoy this?
I want to open to this powerful, kind, and loving man. I can see and feel that his gift to me is honorable. He is not trying to hurt or take from me in any way. He is only wanting to give to me. But I wonder what his lips would feel like on mine. I wonder what the weight of his body would feel like on mine. I wonder what his lingam would feel like inside me. I am having thoughts like this, I tell myself, because I feel pleasure now and in my past this feeling of pleasure has only meant one thing: sex is about to happen. But this session is not sex. This healing is not sex. I wonder when my body will know that and stop defending against feeling pleasure. I feel sad. The Musician is a good man. He wants to give to me. I want to give to him by receiving him fully, but my fears prevent me from opening fully. I feel relaxed and loved but my body isn’t feeling the kind of pleasure I wanted to bring to the session.
Afternoon class is a demo, a man (The Musician is the winner) receiving from not one but two dakinis. Hot, hot, hot. Two bare-breasted Shakti women plugged-in and in their power? Amazingly hot. The women connect their Shakti and it amplifies to infuse The Musician. At one point they invite us to visualize the heart chakra yantra (sacred symbol) while they are doing heart work. I feel my heart expand and connect first to The Musician’s, and then to every heart in the room. I can tune into my body in different places and feel the feels that The Musician and the dakinis feel. We are linked.
The demo session is riveting and intense, yet peaceful. Afterward we ask questions about the demo and The Musician’s experience. There are a few quick notes about tonight’s homeplay. Dinner time.
I juice, shower, eat a few bites, gulp down my meds, and pack my dakini bag with a few essentials like oil, candles, a sarong, lube.
The Chariot greets me at his door. I am giving to him tonight. You are the most powerful woman in the class, he says. People keep saying things like this to me. I have big energy, someone said. I’m the most powerful woman in the class? Hmm. I’ve thought of myself for a long time as invisible, small, hardly noticeable. Maybe it is time to rethink this.
We begin. Singing bowl. A kiss on his back over his heart chakra. As soon as I lay two hands on his back he starts to feel shooting beams of energy from base to crown, lightning zaps every time I touch a chakra or any energy point on his body (there are hundreds). I can see the zaps. They glow blue-yellow and shoot sparks on their way up. I keep thinking the zaps will slow and subside after a bit but they don’t. Every second or two, another. This has happened before, he says. It’s energy release, he says, but always before has been in the last 5 minutes of a session.
We move on and do the homework despite the energy surges. They calm after about an hour and I’m in his base chakra. I glow my fingers up through his body. His lower spine glows hot and red. His sacrum is hot to the touch, yet I sense no stuck energy in his body. We hear distant thunder, over and over. The Chariot has invoked Thor! I feel blessed to witness the lightning that courses through this man’s body, echoed by nature outside the window.
I experiment with my energy. I draw it back to me and touch him with the barest of glows. Same thing. Lightning zaps. I am not causing them. I am helping facilitate them. Wave upon wave of energy release.
We talk about our cards. Strength and The Chariot. I think of him as Helios, riding a chariot through the heavens to the sun. A conduit connecting the energies of heaven and earth. To him, I inhabit Strength as Power. The most powerful woman in the class.
Back at our villa, my Kahuna tells me of his wonderful night, receiving love from two goddesses. His face is glowing and relaxed. I am so in love.