The day my beloved soulmate and I decided that tantra teacher training was our ticket to deep healing and a door into our future, the sky opened and battalions of chocolate-bearing glitter-dipped rainbow unicorns soared gently down to the earth. Change was afoot! We packed the car with candles and incense and silky saris and drove to Tantra Disneyland (aka The Source School of Tantra Yoga) in Boulder Creek, California for ten days in our new world.
On the way I discovered that when I’m nervous and scared, I get angry. Oops. The idea of sitting in a room for ten days with 30 other people who undoubtedly (in my mind) knew more about tantra than me and deserved to be there way more than me and certainly had way less cancer than me pushed all my fears and insecurities to the surface, inky black and bubbling like the La Brea Tar Pits of Stupid Unnecessary Fears.
A nearly sleepless night filled with almost every fear imaginable. An exhausted, overwhelmed soulmate. But stepping into class is like being held in an embrace. We’ve done breathing, yoga, sound healing, yantra work, gave and received hugs, and worked in male-female pairs to loosen points around the base chakra (that’s right, I got to poke around in some strange man’s nether regions AND IT WAS TOTALLY FINE AND NOT WEIRD AT ALL) Working up to the deeper stuff. So much love in the room and so far this is a tiny taste of what’s to come. Way more and way deeper tomorrow.
Today was all about giving. Sacred spot massage* for women. We drew tarot cards in the morning to determine who we partner with for practice tonight — I drew Queen of Triax (we use the Deva Tarot deck, with a fifth suit called Triax). I’m sure that means something! Claiming my Queen energy. We witnessed a demonstration sacred spot healing on an amazing woman. So powerful! Yay Kali! So much like birthing. Tonight I’m partnered with a man and a woman, which is perfect as my intention is to do this work as a couple with my beloved. Scared, excited, grateful.
Later, this happened:
I know my life purpose now. AND my superpower. Fuck, this rocks! I’m totally on fire. Welcome home, Talyaa! Welcome to life. Welcome to the Goddess.
*Sacred Spot Massage. In a woman, the G-spot. Sacred sexual healing FTW.
The morning was a debrief of our ‘homework’ assignment from last night. I had an AMAZING experience in my triad (two women, one man) where I got to both give and receive in this woman-receiving assignment. I KNEW my life purpose and saw my path open in front of me when I felt the power of the yoni and stepped into the truth of my healing. Incredible. I am not the same woman who began this training! My massage partner today said, “Look in the mirror, you look so much younger — your spirit is very strong!” and he was right! Alive. Vibrant.
The afternoon was about sending and receiving, plus massage techniques for the giver. Got 40 minutes of bodywork and energy work from a pro, and then gave him an energy session. It felt so good to step into my work again and to hear the contented sounds my beloved made while receiving his massage nearby.
So blessed. So grateful. So alive.
Hitting a wall today. Big emotions are coming up for me, mostly around feeling left out and unloved and unworthy of love. Everyone else is making arrangements with other students to work together during free time between classes, but my time and energy are so limited with all I have to do every day just to stay alive. Juicing. Coffee enemas. Naps. Eating. My soulmate is limited too but he’s managing to find time for others and I just feel so fucking alone and abandoned. We drew cards again this morning for pairing up homework tonight (Prince of Cups this time) and tonight I need to be in full dakini mode to give love and healing touch to a male classmate. I feel anything BUT goddess like.
This is our one ‘rest day’, with only one class in the evening. My beloved and I drove to Santa Cruz and walked the boardwalk and bought groceries (all that juicing…). A nap. And processing our sessions from last night. BOUNDARIES. I experienced major boundary violations in my giving session last night that triggered a ton of shame for me. The teaching team was very supportive and loving. More processing and debriefing for everyone in class tonight. I’m grateful for the container here and for the opportunity to fully claim my power as a woman.
Breakthrough Moment at tantra teacher training:
It’s our lunch break. My beloved is off (with my full blessing and love) receiving love/healing from another woman student. This is my time to rest and recharge alone. I made a delicious lunch of organic free range chicken, avocado, lime, marinated white beans and artichoke hearts, and feta. I’m sitting outside in the sun on our little patio at the 18th green. Two golfers go by pushing their bags of clubs. They say something to me in greeting. I’m a little playful back. They laugh and keep going. Sweet moment, right?
IN THE PAST: I would have felt defensive. Scared. hurt. Will they hurt me? Are they attracted to me? Do I have to fend them off? I would have felt my wounds, not my power.
THE BREAKTHROUGH: I enjoyed feeling them appreciate me as a beautiful Shakti woman. I enjoyed appreciating the essence of their masculinity. I enjoyed seeing them in their highest and fullest while at the same time recognizing they are men with hurts and wounds and that for them in that brief exchange I was the Goddess. A woman in her power who happens to love men. What a gift, this moment.
I wept from the expansive feeling. My wounds are healing.
That’s the incredible power of this work. I feel more energy and more aliveness today than I have in a long time.
Base chakra day. People are hitting their internal emotional walls left and right. We did yoga and white tantra, then drew tarot cards again to partner for tonight’s work. I’m the Queen again, actually I was given the card in honor of my boundary of not being paired again with the person who violated my boundaries the other night (I still won’t make eye contact with him…).
Tonight I’m in a triad again, two women and one man. Base chakra opening for women. I will receive and also give. The man happens to be a wonderful body worker and energy worker. The woman does dakini work. Good hands.
Looking forward to wearing my Goddess aspect again, being in sacred space again, releasing fears and traumas in my body, and opening to security, connection and abundance. God is good.
Feeling nervous and scared. Not liking that my soulmate and I have conflict before every one of these sessions. Hoping we can work all that out.
They’re calling me The Laughing Goddess now! Magical magical session last night with two beautiful beings. Three is so much more than the sum of its parts, you know? I was receiver and opener and priestess and shaman, all in one night. Surrendered to the joy on opening to the universe.
This morning’s work was debriefing last night’s home play sessions. So many walls hit! Such loving breakthroughs! So many core wounds offered up to love! I am in awe of the tremendous courage of my classmates.
AND OH! DID I MENTION?????
I no longer feel a sense of cancer in my body. I mean it’s GONE. I just feel ME in those places. We filled it with love and I offered everything in me, all that love and joy and healing, to god. Such holy healing.
This afternoon we get a demo of working with a man’s base chakra*, and tonight I’m paired with Shiva and Shakti once more, an open hearted man and a shining goddess woman, and together we enter the alchemical crucible once more, to be burned on the sacred fire of love and emerge forever transformed.
So grateful. So blessed. So devoted to this path.
*Base chakra work. Yup, the butt, the ass, the anus. Sacred sexuality FTW.
This is the last day, really, and I never posted about the first day which was an evening and was intros, logistics, intentions, and a basic hug technique. But now! Day Nine! Last day but one (and tomorrow is a brief morning goodbye).
Debriefing from last night. I was in a triad with a man and woman, the man receiving from both of us. Base chakra work. I discovered that when I connect with a man’s tender heart and his heart is open to me and he is present with me (and not fantasizing or projecting onto me), then I have no need to fear his sexual power. Such a tender, sacred moment, holding a man at his base while gazing into his eyes and connecting to his heart.
My other takeaway from last night was resting solidly in my own energy, my own “goddess style”, and not feeling compelled to lose myself and become a chameleon to someone else’s energy. I am a powerful woman, the Goddess incarnate, and my gifts are profound and my own. Aho!
We journeyed together this past week, 28 of us opening and hitting walls and soaring to new heights. Tonight we come together again in an empowerment puja. Another chance to clothe myself in the Goddess and to see god in men’s hearts and eyes. So beautiful.
Tonight, also, packing up (MASSIVE packing — we had to bring practically our entire kitchen…) and readying for our next adventure, toward rest, rejuvenation, and healing. Life is good.
Puja and graduation.
We Still Need Help!
All this training has been wonderful. Magical. Inspiring. We know how we want to go forth in the world now, engage our superpowers, and feel and be most alive. We used YOUR generous donations to get here, but the fight-against-cancer still goes on. More so, even! Right this minute I’m with the Cancer Guru Guy getting the low down on just the right meds, herbs and treatments to fully weed the cancer garden and get me in shape to do the work I was put on this planet to do. The road is not over yet. I know the path but I still have to walk it, and walking it takes money that I don’t have. Please help.