This week I had a shift.
Last week, like the four or so weeks before it, I was waiting. Patiently, I might add. Peacefully. I liked how it felt in that state of Doing All The Cancer Things while I waited for December to roll around so we could see the parade of doctors and find out what my next steps are.
Next step = laser brain surgery.
And I’m waiting again, this time to find out when the surgery is scheduled. They said 3-4 weeks from now. They have to involve 11 different doctor-y people, an MRI suite, and who knows what else, so scheduling this type of surgery takes coordination. I’ll have to wait to find out when it is.
This time, the wait feels unsettling. Unnerving. Wrong.
With the help of my brilliant beloved Dave Donatiu, who knows what questions to ask to help someone get right to the heart of their issue, I figured out why I feel impatient waiting this week while I felt fine with it last week.
It’s funny, isn’t it, the little rules we make up for ourselves. We make rules and believe they are truths when in fact they are self-created rules that box us in. We live inside these rules and fight the box we made but forget we are the ones who created the box.
My self-imposed rule: I must do more. Create, not wait.
I know, I know! After all this talk of surrender, rest, and being. I was content – peaceful, even – to wait last month while I had a valid “reason” to wait, but now the waiting is supposed to be over. Rest time is over. Time to do!
So there’s a voice inside that tells me to do more, more, more.
And there’s another voice inside that tells me to BE. Just be. Rest is good.
My heart wants certain things. Mostly it wants connection with other hearts. But my body says “whoa, hold on there! you can only do so much before you need rest.”
So I walk a fine line. Heart has needs, body has needs. Heart needs connection, body needs rest from doing and to keep on with the limiting regimen of All The Cancer Things.
This teaches me something new.
It is time for me to learn how to bring BEING into DOING. How to bring ease into living.So now, my qualifying question when following my desires is: can I do it with ease? Does it feel like ease in my body (open, expansive, relaxed) or does it feel like work? Ease heals.