There’s a grapefruit-sized round area at the top of my head that feels like a slab of raw meat with hair on it. Eventually I should get sensation back in that area, but for now it’s very strange.
Speaking of numbness, the left side of my face at my temple is also pretty numb. Ah well.
Mystery Of The Week:
Woke up with bleeding elbows and blood smeared all over my (formerly) white sheets. WTF? How odd to realize your body does things that you have no awareness of. #restlesssleeper
Emotionally, this was a rough week for me. I woke up with heaviness in my heart and despair in my thoughts. All my old negative self-talk tapes reappeared, and even though I reminded myself they weren’t true I still heard them. Blame it on pharmaceuticals. This week I tapered off the anti-seizure medication they had me on, and this morning I already felt better.
Physically, healing has its ups and downs. I remind myself that healing isn’t linear. Some days will be easier than others. That’s how life is. So some days it’s hard to wake up. Some days I feel extra tired after climbing the stairs to our third floor apartment. Some days all I want to do is rest. And it’s all okay.
I try hard not to judge myself for not healing faster. Hmm. Even just writing that, I see how unhelpful it is to judge my body’s amazing healing ability. My body rocks.
I think often about some of the remarkable qualities we humans possess. Resilience. Forgiveness. Helping others. Devotion. And of course love.
I’ve learned so much from these past three years of cancer journey. I believe I’m a better person now. I’ve done deep emotional work. I’ve healed some sexual trauma. I’ve given my body incredible support from eating clean organic foods right for my body’s metabolism, as well as taking powerful supplements that support healing, boost my immune system, and go after cancer. I’m more in love with my beloved than ever. So many good things that help bring balance to all the pain, surgeries, financial stress, fear, and looming death.
Life is in part what you make of it. I’m deeply thankful to be alive with a chance to thrive.