Ever since my Kahuna and I attended the International School of Temple Arts (ISTA) Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience Level 1 & 2 just after we arrived in San Diego in May, I’ve been on a crash course to change. I came here for change. We came here to San Diego (and now Encinitas) begin our Bold New Life, which for me has meant letting go, learning to trust more, opening to new people and new experiences, living in sub-optimal conditions, and finding the gold in all of it.
At ISTA, we talked a lot about love. During the second week of our training, I wrote this:
My work for the past fifteen years has been all about bringing divine presence to people. Being in the space of Love where I see god in the person I work with. I called it channeling or coaching or Tantra, but in actuality my soul has steadily journeyed ever closer to creating a life where I can simply be in the field of Love allthefuckingtime.
All I have to do to change the world is to show up and vibrate in my radiant presence.
Which leads me to now and the ways my soul guides me closer to living the truth of who I am.
I have come to drag you out of yourself and take you in my heart. I have come to bring out the beauty you never knew you had and lift you like a prayer to the sky.
Directive in the night
Three nights ago while I slept, I received a directive:
Walk the path of Love.
Be a living example of Love.
(and then a bunch of info on exactly what this looks like, including that my art is encoded with a gateway for people to welcome in more Love — HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!!)
This seems so obvious yet it’s a huge whoaaaa moment for me.
And it has me totally lit up and on fire about what’s to come.
He freed my heart…
Three days ago I wrote this:
For two days I’ve felt stuck in a haze of fear and rage. Bigtime security issues, trust in the universe, fears of not having and not being enough. I knew it related to feeling the call to expand in the world, to be BIG. But how could I possibly be big, I thought to myself, when I am [insert a bunch of lame excuses, er, reasons here]?
Today’s yoga class brought everything to the surface. Hip openers had me seething with pent- up rage. I didn’t know what the rage was about but I couldn’t wait to get home and use the emotional release tools I’ve learned.
But then I had a better idea. My beloved could “Paradox Cure” me. He’s done this work with me many times and it was life changing, but lately I’ve told myself he’s too busy or has enough on his plate and anyway I have these other tools now, right?
Sometimes we all need help. We are not meant to walk our journeys alone. There is no shame in asking for help.
Paradox Cure works, well, paradoxically. It’s almost magical how quickly my beloved helped me come to the root of my issue.
I’ve believed that a magical, colorful, wonderful world exists, where things flow with ease and everyone has everything they could dream of. Sounds great, right?
Except I also believed there was a wall around that world. A huge, long, insurmountable brick wall. And I believed I was on the other side of that wall, living in a sparse desert world with fake colorless houses and fake colorless people. I could never, never get on the other side of that wall.
It felt like death to realize I created that wall.That’s where my beloved’s magic came in. Not too long after I realized I’d createda separation from the very world I craved to dwell in, with his magic I had the tools to get there. Deceptively simple.Along the way I found I’ve protected myself from harm by keeping small, by not sharing my feelings and desires, by being a chameleon to those around me. I’d hide whenever someone felt big emotions because it didn’t feel safe to feel my own. I lived in a desert of my own making.And now? The shift has already happened. I AM in the magical colorful world, and I now know what place in my body is my access point to return there if I forget.
And I have a new mantra to use to strengthen my new relationship to my inner protector so together we will always dwell in that magical colorful world where I am vulnerable, authentic, and loved.
What would Love do?
Yesterday I wrote this:
>My love and I went to yoga today. It was a full class and a new-to-us teacher. I felt eager as always to experience moving my body and the insights that come from my practice. The teacher began the class and instantly something felt “off”. Her pace was too fast. I sensed other students around me also struggling to keep up. I thought about saying something: Hey, we need time to warm up! Start slowly!
I sat with that for a few sun salutations and decided against speaking for others. After all, I couldn’t be sure they were having the same experience I was. I could learn something about myself from this, I decided. I fell deeper into the flow.
That’s when I realized what was missing: heart.
We’ve had yoga teachers before who kept a fast pace, but what made the class work was heart. But this teacher was all warrior and no heart.
I spent the next few rounds of Sun B plotting how I would turn to Kahuna at the end of class and say I NEVER WANT TO SEE THIS TEACHER AGAIN.
The thought was satisfying but my body didn’t like it. So instead I began to find things to appreciate about this class, this killer pace, this lack of heart. I asked myself, What would Love do? What would Love see?
- I marveled at the strength of my body, able to move in ways it couldn’t a year ago.
- I felt love for the other students who showed up to sweat on their mat.
- I felt great love and appreciation for my love, who shows up and works hard in so many ways.
Every time I found myself thinking about the satisfaction I’d feel telling my soulmate after class that I never wanted to see that teacher again, I brought myself back to appreciation for this place, this moment, this heart.
I felt the love in my body swell and grow. I felt love for my mat, for the sun streaming in through the windows at my back, for the beads of sweat rolling down my face, neck, and hands.
By final savasana, I felt love streaming out my eyes. I didn’t need to depend on someone else to bring heart to the space — I could bring my own heart and expand from there. I had created sacred space. I felt alive and in ease in the field of Love within and around me.[dedicated to Dave Donatiu, who constantly holds a mirror to me so that I may see my divinity, and to Baba Dez Nichols who at ISTA 1-2 exemplified this new-to-me concept of embodying Love. I’m starting to get it now. I love you both]