Hello loves. It’s been a rough few days for me. Like living in a dark, dark cave: no light, no tunnel, no way to get out, nothing to do but contemplate the darkness and what got me there.
I’m taking some new supplement things that are strong. With cancer there’s no time to mess around, to ease into things. You just have to dive in and feel like crap for awhile.
So I’m more tired than usual, can’t think straight often, and the world feels bewildering. I can’t safely drive. It’s a lot just to leave the house.
Plus, I’m already prone to occasional bouts of depression, and the new meds dropped me into my Dark Cave of Depression and Despair rather suddenly. No warning — just boom, Cave.
Plus, I can’t pretend I’m not affected by having a brain tumor that’s as big as all my previous ones combined. I don’t even know how it affects me. Its in my language center, as far as we know. Sometimes words don’t come easily. I’ve become my own thesaurus.
Mostly, I’m scared. I told myself for over a year that this wouldn’t happen again, that I wouldn’t be faced with having a metal frame screwed into my skull so radiation lasers could obliterate parts of my brain (Gamma Knife targeted radiation). The body has to work really hard to heal from that. I will feel worse before I feel better.
All of this came so suddenly. I failed to notice the few subtle warnings I had. I don’t do change well. not when it’s thrust upon me. I kick and scream. I resist. I want control of my experience. So when all this happened, I resisted.
Resisting usually feels like pain.
Today we see a doctor. We will probably hear about treatment options for the tumor in my brain. There are treatments besides Gamma Knife, new things, perhaps better things.
Meanwhile, I’m tired. Scared that I will feel isolated and alone. Scared that things won’t change. Scared that all my hard work of the past two years will be erased and I’ll have to do it all over again. Scared that I’m not changing fast enough on the inside.
And deep underneath, scared that I will die without really having lived.